We'd just like to double-check that everyone got the memo regarding it being the season to be jolly tra la la la la la la la la – because Robbie Williams seems to have got the memo saying it's the season to be really really unusually miserable.
Whether you spend this week making your home look beautiful and seasonal, or basically teaching your children that if they sit on the laps of a succession of creepy old men without crying or struggling they'll be given sparkly presents instead of years of therapy and marriage-destroying intimacy issues, spare a thought for Robbie Williams – because he's deeply miserable. In an interview with The Big Issue, Robbie Williams says that he's never going to have children, because any child of his will have to endure a lifetime of pain, Pain, PAIN!
Although Christmas is a time for happiness, it's also a time to reflect on those less fortunate than ourselves. No, not the starving orphans of Africa or the recently bereaved, we're talking about multi-millionaire popstars like Robbie Williams. Because, whichever way you look at it, Robbie Williams seems all set for a really shit Christmas. Despite being legally not gay, Robbie Williams is moping around his gigantic LA mansion being all depressed. At least that's the impression that we get from Robbie Williams' latest – painfully self-pitying – interview with The Big Issue.
The Big Issue Robbie Williams interview is full of more scab-picking than an eczema convention at a bleach factory, and it's all down to Robbie Williams' decision never to have kids because their life would only be full of the terrible unending suffering that comes from having a millionaire Dad with his own football pitch:
"I don't know if I want to be in a relationship. I don't believe that to be fulfilled you have to have kids. What's the point? I can't guarantee my child won't suffer pain – because that kid's going to be in pain at some point in their life. I don't want to see that. It's too much."
What's brought this bout of navel-gazing on? We could be wrong here, but we'd imagine it might have something to do with the telephone conversation last year that went like this:
"Hello Robbie Williams, it's Gary Barlow here. Look, we're thinking about reforming Take That. All of Howard's clothes have fallen apart and Jason's living off a diet of mouse droppings again. It'd really mean a lot to us if you'd think about joining the band again."
"What? Take That? Not a chance, for I am the fabulously successful and wealthy solo artist Robbie Williams, and I recently had a top eight hit with that song where I dressed up as Elvis and looked sad. Stick your Take That reunion up your bum Gary Barlow and never darken my doorstep again!"
Fast forward a year and the newly-reformed Take That have a number one single, a number one album, a bunch of Q Awards, a guest-spot on the final of X Factor and their very own one-hour special on ITV. Meanwhile Robbie Williams released an album where he shouted "I've got a bucket of shit" six times in a row during a song called Dickhead. This theory might add up, because Robbie Williams' depressed moping even extends to his work:
"It's time for Robbie to go away in peoples' minds – not to be in Britain for a bit."
Suddenly we're not feeling quite so Christmassy. Thanks to Robbie Williams carping on about how shit everything is, we're starting to see the futility of all. The desperate futility. We'll be under our duvet weeping if you need us.