Different celebrity chefs have different trademarks – like Gordon Ramsay's purple-faced screaming, Jamie Oliver's weird obsession with schoolchildren or Delia Smith's sausagey fingers – and everyone knows Nigella Lawson's trademark.
Nigella Lawson has made her name by the way she moans and yelps at her food like she's wearing a pair of industrial vibro-pants, the way she describes food in such a wantonly sexual way that we swear we once heard her mumble something about wiping a bruschetta on her tits because we'd all been naughty boys and, of course, her recipe for Caramel Croissant Pudding, which is just frankly to die for. Anyway, Nigella Lawson has just done an interview with Esquire magazine. An interview in a tin-foil dress. An interview in a tin-foil dress that's mostly about sex. And, boys, if your back is covered with hair, Nigella would like you to form an orderly queue.
Nigella Lawson doesn't realise how easy she's got it. All Nigella needs to do is talk in a slightly matronly voice, flutter her eyelashes, put her fingers in her mouth and thwack her pendulous bosoms backwards and forwards like some kind of fleshy bludgeoning device and she gets whatever she wants – but when we try to do that, all that happens is that we get beaten up outside pubs.
But now that Nigella Lawson is pushing 50, it's time to trade in her old overtly sexual side for something more age-appropriate. That's why on her new show Nigella Express, Nigella Lawson has traded in her world-famous prostitutiness for an attempt to do as much wildly implausible nonsense as possible. So it means we can see Nigella Lawson – daughter of the Chancellor Of The Exchequer, wife of an art dealer worth £80 million – riding around London on a bus and going out to work and cooking her own food and looking after her own children. Ridiculous, we know.
But going out on picnics with her infuriatingly haircutted son – we think his name is Tarquilflahflahry or something – doesn't sell cookery books. Yammering on endlessly about having it off does sell cookery books, though. That's why an Eva Longoria cookery book would be depressingly successful, and it's also why Nigella Lawson has done an interview with Esquire magazine where it seems like she's hell-bent on giving middle-aged men a nasty case of angina. Digital Spy reports:
Talking about her sexual turn-ons, Lawson told Esquire: "Hairiness. I like an animal. Hairy back. Hairy everywhere. If I was going to go for someone smooth, I may as well be a lesbian." The chef, who posed in an outfit of Bacofoil for the magazine, added that she's a fan of wearing lingerie. Lawson said: "Stockings never fail to make you feel sexy. Men like the whole strappy thing of suspenders, so I’ll wear them. I have actually worn them with nothing but a pair of shoes in bed."
Echoing the time she used goose fat in a recipe and the country ran out of goose fat, it's thought that Nigella Lawson's Esquire interview is the sole cause for all those naked 40-year-old men you've seen smearing their torsos with Pritt-Stick and rolling around on barbershop floors. And you know what? Good luck to Nigella – if that's what sells, then she's right to exploit it. But if this is the start of a trend and next month Delia Smith appears in Loaded talking about the best vegetables to ram up your tumpsy, we won't be held responsible for our very nauseous actions.
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Adam Gade says
I only saw the kid’s (Tarquilflahflahry) haircut once, and a while ago at that. It was a pudding bowl, is that what you’re talking about?
maddy says
she is hot as hell in the kitchen if you got it flaunt it. oh yeah.
Agita says
I promise I’m not being bitter or jealous for the sake of it. I really hate Nigella. I totally agree ‘if you’ve got it, flaunt it’ etc, but actually, she’s not that sexy, neither is her voice and I don’t like her recipes. She tries way too hard with the innuendo, and even if it was meant to be Tongue in cheek (‘I know I’m being over the top with the sex references, but that’s half the fun’ type of thing) it’s way too obvious. The way she says stuff just makes me cringe, not drool. I love the idea of a sexy cookery show but she just makes me think ‘please… Stop… Whore…’ And this is coming from a kinky bisexual female…
deeksha says
i just love the way she talks and she is has got a good humour…her cookrey shows are awesome
Austin says
I really don’t want to be “that guy”, but I feel like the person who wrote this is dehumanizing Nigella simply because she happens to be a bit sultry and seems to be comfortable with her sexuality. Calling her a slut and using that kind of language just because she has a somewhat flirtatious personality and has spoken publicly about her sexual interest just seems to betray a kind of misogynist attitude in my opinion. There’s nothing wrong with what she does and it’s not like she’s shoving her tits into the camera or shaking her ass instead of focusing on the food she’s preparing. She cooks while being fun and sexy. And that’s fine.
sahara says
She is who she is, why hate? For thousands of years women were made to look lavish for the use of men and to be noticed, having to feign sex appeal, they had no voices of their own, and were pushed around treated as property even in law. Now we have one example of a woman who is both intelligent and beautiful and and you liken her to a slut?????! That is too ridiculous to even take seriously. Which cave do you come from?