Different celebrity chefs have different trademarks – like Gordon Ramsay's purple-faced screaming, Jamie Oliver's weird obsession with schoolchildren or Delia Smith's sausagey fingers – and everyone knows Nigella Lawson's trademark.

Nigella Lawson has made her name by the way she moans and yelps at her food like she's wearing a pair of industrial vibro-pants, the way she describes food in such a wantonly sexual way that we swear we once heard her mumble something about wiping a bruschetta on her tits because we'd all been naughty boys and, of course, her recipe for Caramel Croissant Pudding, which is just frankly to die for. Anyway, Nigella Lawson has just done an interview with Esquire magazine. An interview in a tin-foil dress. An interview in a tin-foil dress that's mostly about sex. And, boys, if your back is covered with hair, Nigella would like you to form an orderly queue.

Nigella Lawson doesn't realise how easy she's got it. All Nigella needs to do is talk in a slightly matronly voice, flutter her eyelashes, put her fingers in her mouth and thwack her pendulous bosoms backwards and forwards like some kind of fleshy bludgeoning device and she gets whatever she wants – but when we try to do that, all that happens is that we get beaten up outside pubs. 

But now that Nigella Lawson is pushing 50, it's time to trade in her old overtly sexual side for something more age-appropriate. That's why on her new show Nigella Express, Nigella Lawson has traded in her world-famous prostitutiness for an attempt to do as much wildly implausible nonsense as possible. So it means we can see Nigella Lawson – daughter of the Chancellor Of The Exchequer, wife of an art dealer worth £80 million – riding around London on a bus and going out to work and cooking her own food and looking after her own children. Ridiculous, we know.

But going out on picnics with her infuriatingly haircutted son – we think his name is Tarquilflahflahry or something – doesn't sell cookery books. Yammering on endlessly about having it off does sell cookery books, though. That's why an Eva Longoria cookery book would be depressingly successful, and it's also why Nigella Lawson has done an interview with Esquire magazine where it seems like she's hell-bent on giving middle-aged men a nasty case of angina. Digital Spy reports:

Talking about her sexual turn-ons, Lawson told Esquire: "Hairiness. I like an animal. Hairy back. Hairy everywhere. If I was going to go for someone smooth, I may as well be a lesbian." The chef, who posed in an outfit of Bacofoil for the magazine, added that she's a fan of wearing lingerie. Lawson said: "Stockings never fail to make you feel sexy. Men like the whole strappy thing of suspenders, so I’ll wear them. I have actually worn them with nothing but a pair of shoes in bed."

Echoing the time she used goose fat in a recipe and the country ran out of goose fat, it's thought that Nigella Lawson's Esquire interview is the sole cause for all those naked 40-year-old men you've seen smearing their torsos with Pritt-Stick and rolling around on barbershop floors. And you know what? Good luck to Nigella – if that's what sells, then she's right to exploit it. But if this is the start of a trend and next month Delia Smith appears in Loaded talking about the best vegetables to ram up your tumpsy, we won't be held responsible for our very nauseous actions.

Read more:

Nigella Lawson Loves "Hairy Back" Men - Digital Spy