As we all know, the day that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married will be the day that global warming reverses, all wars stop and mankind lives peacefully under its new kind-hearted demi-god rulers.
Either that or MTV will just cynically lob out a crappy spoon-fed reality TV show about all the zany, slightly staged-looking shenanigans that Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get up to. One or the other. We can't remember which. Anyway, that doesn't matter for now, because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo aren't married despite a flurry of rumours that their wedding was due to take place this weekend. But, hey, let's not get too downhearted because Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn't get married – we're not so much losing a wedding here as mercifully gaining another week without seeing Nick and Vanessa gurning out from the cover of an OK! magazine wedding special like a couple of wrong morons.
Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo really are the golden couple of blaringly-pointless celebrities who nobody would really miss if they both just vanished off the face of the earth, not even their own parents. Both, at best, are famous by association – Nick Lachey through his marriage to Jessica Simpson and Vanessa Minnillo because of… oh, who the hell knows why Vanessa Minnillo is famous. We don't, and we do this kind of nonsense for a living.
Anyway, aside from a brief moment when they were photographed doing each other up the bum in a swimming pool, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo have done approximately zero interesting things ever together, but all that was supposed to change this weekend, when Fox reported that the pair of them were going to get married in The Bahamas.
According to their report, Vanessa Minnillo's entourage turned up at a tropical hotel on Friday in preparation of what would surely be the wedding of the year, discounting ever other wedding that's taken place this year. But, as it turns out, the whole report was a crock of crap and Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo didn't get married at all. Nick Lachey's slave denied the rumours outright, saying:
"Not true. Fox is making it up. Nick is in Cincinnati working on the choir show for NBC and a show he is producing for MTV. Fox.com should stick to news."
Ah yes, the choir show. Nick Lachey couldn't get married this weekend, you see, because he's got something to do with the US version of the bewilderingly awful-sounding Choir Wars. And Vanessa Minnillo couldn't find the time in her busy schedule to get married either, because she was busy in Los Angeles having conversations with blank-eyed dolls or trying to count all of her toes at once or something. To be honest we haven't been bothered enough to find out.
Still, though, no Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo wedding means no awful reality TV show about the both of them yet – although if that's something you really wanted to see then you could probably cobble together a fairly accurate substitution by changing TV stations really quickly between a hardcore anal pornography movie and the CCTV feed from your local hospice for the terminally simple.
Read more:
Saint Nick Bringing Ring for Vanessa? Um, Not If You Ask Them… – E! Online