In these uncertain economic times, even 40-year-old supermarket deputy managers with ponytails and halitosis are turning to internet piracy for their music.
Paul McGuinness, U2‘s manager, has been crying angry little tears in recent days, as all his careful planning for his band’s new album’s spolier-free release has been ruined by… well, by whatever kind of deviant it is who would not only spend time and effort trying to obtain pre-release files of a U2 album, but would then want to infect innocent peoples’ ears with it.
Sicko.
Hecklerspray dreams about making the world a better place. Homelessness, for example, solved by inviting everyone with nowhere to sleep to spend the night huddled together in Gordon Ramsay‘s facial crags. The pain of poverty eased by allowing each of the world’s poorest people thirty seconds to suckle on Salma Hayek‘s titties.
This last one came true recently, and we may be about to score again. Our dream where U2 are forced into penury – and have to scavenge through our dustbins trying to find some scraps for their tea – has taken a step closer to becoming fact. And happily, it’s the people that love them most who are causing the impending catastrophe. Sweet!
U2’s latest album – we would’ve looked for the title, but were afraid that just reading it might cause our eyeballs to jump out of their sockets and run away screaming – has found its way onto filesharing websites and has, in news we can only describe as ‘making us weep for the human race’, been downloaded 100,000 times.
This despite unprecedented high security which included: moving the mastertapes around in armoured cars, allowing any single journalist to listen to just three notes from each track then sealing up their earholes with molten lead; and throwing would-be thieves off the scent by employing hundreds of toothless old men to put on fake Irish accents and oversized sunglasses, and wander the country at random.
How could such hardcore security have been breached? The Sydney Morning Herald reveals all:
Full CD-quality copies of every song on U2’s upcoming album, No Line On The Horizon, have been leaked on to the web after Universal Music Australia accidentally put it up for sale on its online music store two weeks early. The album – U2’s 12th – goes on sale on March 3 but it was available to download for a brief period this week on getmusic.com.au, run by Universal Music Australia. Universal Music Australia did not respond to calls asking how the track went up for sale early.
Probably because their executives were chained up in The Edge‘s basement while Bono gibbered and shrieked at them like a rabid monkey, and The Drummer and The Bassplayer stood around looking a bit sheepish about the whole thing.
Call us hard-hearted (Really, go ahead. It’s a congenital condition), but we won’t be shedding tears when U2 find themselves penniless through the actions of their own fans. In fact, it would amuse us hugely if Bono was reduced to knocking on front doors in Africa, asking for ‘just a cup of rice. Come on, I gave you that massive sackful in 1985, remember?’
This is only the second time we have ever been amused by U2-related nonsense. Please, be upstanding for Mr Partridge.
Mike says
I’ve already spoken to the Devil regarding U2 and he told me not to worry, they will be severely punished.
Tom J says
I would rather listen to the screaming death knell of a million pregnant orangutans than one minute of U2’s latest album. I will, however, download it and do everything I can to help it spread. I love these days how you can steal from people without all that messy breaking and entering. I only wish I could assault them as well.
Jack says
U2’s last album leaked early and they still had 840,0000 copies of it sold in the first week in the U.S. so the leak doesn’t mean shit,Gibbo…if anything will effect the album’s sales,it will be the economy.
As far as Tom J(J FOR JERKOFF)goes….get off your high horse,you high minded pompous asshole,no other band but U2 has lasted 30+ years with the original lineup still intact and managed to remain both popular and relevant….that takes more than luck asshole,it takes skill…next time please remind us all what music we should be listening to..no doubt unless they’re Rush they won’t have a career as long or as relevant as U2.
Gilbert Wham says
“no especially not U2 has lasted 30+ years with the original lineup still intact and managed to remain both popular and relevant”
There. Fixed that for you.
David says
Ha Ha Ha Don’t worry guys they will sell millions (like always) – all their albums hve leaked early so what. They obviously have more fans than this website. Ha Ha Ha the joke is not on U2 it is on you. Now back into whatever you do, I will probably never find this webpage again unless I search U2 under Google again. Ha Ha Ha you need them more than need you otherwis how else are we going to find you again. To all the U2 haters I say bad luck they will probably be around for another 15 years at least. Ha Ha Ha
euclid says
Imagine the tedium of writing songs that sound exactly the same for thirty years and then going on tour to play them over and over and over and over again. It’s actually my idea of Hell. And they are living it. And you, Jack David are celebrating it. Good on you. It’s the Hell they deserve. I wish them great success and more pointless tours, and more money they won’t be able to enjoy because if they don’t have enough by now, they never will.
I love any band where one of the members could be playing an entirely different song from the set list and none of the other bandmates would even notice.
Sarah says
I stole it just for the hell of it, and then none of my friends wanted a copy. The only one I managed to give away was to my old boss. But at least I can say I tried to do my part.