Africans get all the luck – near-constant sunshine, Bono’s full attention and now Salma Hayek’s boobs, too.
Seriously, we’re burning up with envy. Salma Hayek – the adequate yet massively-norked actress, has breastfed an African baby in Sierra Leone while on a charity mission.
It’s neither offensive or an exaggeration to say that, because of this news, we’re honestly planning to black up, stop eating for a month, develop an intestinal parasite, sellotape some flies to our eyes, fly to Africa and sit around in rags crying on the off-chance that Salma Hayek would return and shove a tit into our mouth.
It’s David Banda who we feel most sorry for, you know. There he was, thinking that he was the luckiest little African in the world after Madonna came along and adopted him, transporting him from a life of poverty and near-certain death in Malawi to a life where his every desire can be fulfilled, and then Salma Hayek goes and slaps a tit into another African baby’s mouth.
How do you think that makes David Banda feel? That other baby got to drink milk directly from Salma Hayek – one of the most beautiful women on the planet – which completely outstrips every material possession that David could possibly wish to own. And it’s not even as if Madonna can make it better by breastfeeding David Banda herself, either – we heard that, even if she’s fully ripe for lactation, Madonna’s breast milk tastes like a mixture of off yogurt and animal semen.
But, anyway, yes. It’s emerged that Salma Hayek has been helping the children of Sierra Leone the only way she knows how – by utilising her gigantic chest. The Daily Mail reports:
The 42-year-old, who has a one-year-old daughter Valentina, was touring a hospital when she came across a mother who was unable to feed her baby boy. Hayek said: ‘The baby was perfectly healthy, but the mother did not have any milk. He was very hungry – I was weaning my daughter Valentina, but I still had a lot of milk, so I breast-fed the baby.’
You want to see it, don’t you? You want to see Salma Hayek anointing the luckiest little boy in all of Africa. Oh, very well then…
While Salma Hayek’s generosity will profoundly affect the baby’s life – we heard that just one drop of her breast milk can give a child superhuman strength and the ability to heal wounds by touch alone – it would be irresponsible of us not to also reflect on the negative implications of Salma’s act.
For instance, why did Salma Hayek only feed one baby? She’s obviously got enough milk in her to feed an entire village for upwards of six or seven years. And did she ever pause to think that the baby’s going to become a terrible milk snob now? After all, he’s tasted Hayek-brand milk now, so if anyone else tries the trick on him he’ll end up slapping their tit away in disgust.
Plus, it was awfully shortsighted of her to breastfeed that little African boy. At some point, let’s say in about 14 years’ time, that boy is going to realise that he’ll never be able to masturbate properly to that clip of Salma having it off with a bloke from Ask The Dust. In essense, she’s ruined his entire teenage years. The bitch.
Canuck says
Oh dear God… Angelina is pounding her head against a wall, saying “Oh the bitch! The BITCH!”
Julian Mentat says
All of Western civilization’s exploitation of the African continent is now repaid.
Casey says
I hope no one is thinking of this as weird–I think it’s great of her to have shared her milk with a child.
Beth says
I think I would find it really creepy for another woman to breast-feed my child.
Of course, he’s 11 and has been weaned almost a decade now. And would probably end up with a fetish.
Julian Mentat says
I’m thinking of it as hugely unfair. A woman gets applauded if she whips out one of her floppy bits and uses it. But when I offer a stranger a place to hang their hat, I get registered as a sex offender.
Kellogg Knackerman says
Big Deal! that happened to me once.
Only it was vanessa feltz and i was 35,i just vomited and ran off.
Jamie Short says
Good for her. I breastfed both of my children and although I don’t know I could feed someone else’s child. But, if I saw a very hungry baby and there was no other way to feed it….maybe I would be able to do it.
That Salma Hayek seems like a wonderful woman. Good for her.