Thanks to Casino Royale, James Bond has never been so popular – even though the movie would have been way cooler if the Parkour guy from the beginning got to be James Bond instead of miserable old Daniel Craig.
But now the time has come to expand on the success of Casino Royale with the next James Bond film. Nobody knows what Bond 22 will be called, or who'll be in it apart from Daniel Craig, but at least now we do know that Marc Forster has been signed on to direct the movie based on a script co-written by Paul Haggis. So that's a James Bond movie directed by the man who made Monster's Ball and written by the man who wrote Million Dollar Baby. Call it a hunch but we can't see this new James Bond movie exactly being a warmhearted chucklefest, can you?
There are already plenty of rumours about the next James Bond film, including whispers that The Killers are going to provide the Bond theme-tune and that the Notting Hill man was going to direct for a June 2008 release date. All bollocks as it turns out – the new release date for Bond 22 is now November 7 2008 and The Killers hopefully won't be doing the theme-tune on grounds that it'd probably be shit. And now that Monster's Ball director Marc Forster has been signed to direct Bond 22, we can ditch the Notting Hill rumour too.
One thing's certain about the new James Bond film, though – unless Marc Forster is an inbred moron of galactic proportions, the production of the new James Bond film is bound to be smoother than with Casino Royale. Back then nobody could decide on a James Bond for months, then picked a Bond that everybody hated, then started filming without a Bond villain or a Bond girl, then James Bond got his teeth punched out by a midget. Then the set burnt down. And the theme-tune was shit.
But who is Marc Forster and what can he do for James Bond? Well, in the past Marc Forster's movies have included Monster's Ball, Finding Neverland and Stranger Than Fiction, which means that he's perfectly geared up to make the new movie an even more intense exploration of James Bond's psyche than ever before. Well, either that or it'll be about James Bond trapped in a book with a bunch of wonderfully earnest child actors who have explicit sex scenes with each other all the time. Look, let's just be thankful that Marc Forster has never dressed as a woman and tried to sell sex to a policeman. Here's what Marc Forster told The Guardian:
"I have always been drawn to different kinds of stories, and I have also always been a Bond fan, so it is very exciting to take on this challenge," Forster said in a statement, adding that 007's latest direction opened up "a host of new possibilities" for him as director.
Bond 22 is still very early in the production schedule – filming isn't due to start for another six months – so, in the name of public interest, hecklerspray has drawn up a short list of things that Marc Forster could do to make sure that the new James Bond film is as good as it could possibly be:
1 – Don't make the new film about card games again. Card games are crap and old fashioned. Instead, why not have James Bond join an Xbox Live tournament?
2 – To get even more product placement cash from Sony than you did by only showing Sony cameras, laptops and phones in Casino Royale, why not change James Bond's name to Sony, write the word 'Sony' across his head in indelible marker, make the baddies the evil Phillips Electronics corporation and call the whole thing Sony Is Really Bloody Good Yeah?
3 – Bring back the man from Casino Royale who kept explaining the card games for stupid people in the audience; only for the new film he could live on James Bond's shoulder and sing When You Wish Upon A Star into James Bond's ear during times of crisis like Jiminy Cricket.
4 – Since Casino Royale was beaten at the box office by Happy Feet, why not make the new film about 007's lifelong ambition to dance on a glacier and eat a lot of fish?
5 – Space lasers, anyone?
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Cyberian says
Stuart, Stuart, Stuart….tsk, tsk, tsk… Will you EVER find Vanna so maybe, just MAYBE YOU CAN BUY A CLUE? I doubt it.
“Card games are crap and old-fashioned…” Are you truly this big of a moron, or have you just been stuck on the international space station for the past years? Have you ever heard of the televised Celebrity Poker tournaments that have been sweeping the ratings for, oh, let’s say, the PAST 6 YEARS?!!!
Sheesh, Hecklerspray really REALLY needs to get a higher caliber of contributors here, lest they become as irrelevant as Slate and Salon!
Phsyt says
Cyberian…. People who use multiple exclamation marks and write certain points in CAPS to EMPHASISE their point should be forced to read their own style of writing for at least one hour a day until they learn that although CAPS are indeed BIG, they are not clever, especially when randomly placed in the middle of sentences. Also we understand your point with one exclamation mark, we’re not thinking ‘oh he must really be serious as he’s put 5 exclamation marks, I’m not going to form my own opinion, and I’ll just adopt his’.
Don’t criticise other peoples writing when your paragraphs look like a mash of different ones
Gilbert Wham says
Word to that. Daniel Craig really is dreadful isn’t he? He looks like a bouncer who knows he’s getting a bit past it.
Shiver says
Vanna does not sell clues. She sells vowels. Stu, if you ever need an a, e, i, o, u or sometimes a y, you know where to go.
Nathan says
Hecklerspray: that was a rude and unhelpful commentary you have there. Using foul language just shows how little you really have to say.