What is the heart of America? Some may say the Statue of Liberty or the Bill of Rights, others would say summer picnics, super-sized value meals or Adam West, but they’d all be stupidly wrong because there is nothing more American than the Miss America Pageant.
The Miss USA Pageant symbolises every little girl's dream of developing debilitating body image issues and learning how to perform with trained doves whilst playing the accordion and wearing a bikini, and every little boy's dream of staring at those women in bikinis but trying not to look like he’s staring into in the headlights of fleshy, oncoming traffic lest his parents see him leering and shut off the TV. Yes, this pageant is an institution of dream-making, which is why we’re so relieved to announce that it has found a new home on the cable network TLC for the next three years for all of the 63 people that still like to watch it.
The Miss America pageant has had difficulties ever since a unabomber-type scary guy threatened to bomb the place in a cryptic message sent to the FBI and then the FBI’s frumpiest agent had to transform into a beauty queen by a fabulously flamboyant Michael Caine who teaches her that being pretty on the outside doesn’t mean you aren’t special, it just means that showing off the goods a bit will get you lovin’ from your hot agent partner. Oh, wait, that wasn’t this contest. Our daily viewings of Miss Congeniality tend to cause a morphing of reality and cinematic fiction.
Actually, the whole pageant scene has sustained some pounding and has been bounced around from network to network due to fleeting ratings as well as the hubbub of last year’s Miss USA winner Tara Conner just saying yes to drugs, booze, men, and all things not so wholesomey after which Donald Trump decided to forgive her probably just because he didn’t want to ruin his already non-existent chances of dating her. Then, of course, there was this year’s winner Rachel Smith that was booed at the Miss Universe contest for falling down and looking pretty much like a fool, which was funny for the rest of the world, but kinda sad for her.
However, none of this matters to the good people over at the TLC cable network. They’ve signed on to host Miss USA rival Miss America for three more years and will also feature a reality show that follows the contestants as they prepare for the competition. So, now you watch shows about switching houses with someone for the weekend while you mess up each others houses with cheap redecorating tactics, a tattoo parlour where grown men draw on themselves with permanent ink for kicks and giggles, and you can watch the Miss America reality show so as to pick your favourite buxom beauty to win the pageant. Go Delaware!
We hate to be the killjoy, here, but maybe it’s time to let the 86-year-old pageant die as if it were an actual 86-year-old contestant who had collapsed onstage in a saggy, grey, anorexic lump during the talent competition after eventually ingesting a toxic amount of Vaseline applied to her teeth over the years to make them all shiny.
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MAO Fan says
Before you say something should die you need to get our facts straight. Miss America is NOT owned by Donald Trump, The girl you have pictured is
Lauren Nelson. You are an idiot. Miss USA and Miss America are two very different pagrant systems with different goals and qualifications.
pam says
Gotta agree with the above poster…get your facts straight before you attempt to write an article!! Miss USA and Miss America are different pageants and are not interchangable terms or young women. Miss USA Tara Conner has been in trouble lately. Miss America Lauren Nelson who you have pictured has done nothing but her job!!! LEARN and be correct before you try to enlighten others.
Laurie says
Annette honey, take my advice and take a chill pill.
I am highly offended that a self absorbed woman like yourself can’t see the relevance of the Miss America Pageant.
Until you are an organization that despenses over 45 million in scholarship annually to intelligent young women, keep your flapper shut!
I am not impressed with your bad writing either.
Fan of MAO says
I suggest you go back to school and learn the basics of being a journalist. Even in an editorial it is imperative that facts are accurately portrayed to prevent lawsuit. Miss America and Miss USA are two different
systems. Miss America focuses on beauty, speaking skills, talent, and academics. Miss USA is owned by Donald Trump and is a
beauty pageant. Not only have you inaccurately portrayed the facts, your writing skills and grammar are atrocious. I feel a published article correcting facts and representing the organizations in the proper
manner is imperative. Although I don’t respect your opinion, I respect your right to express it.
Femme says
In terms of journalism, yes, it would be good to do a *tiny bit* of fact checking before going on about your opinions on the matter. However, I think the whole point is that – who cares? Is beauty really how we think girls should be judged?
Oh, scholarship money? You know, I got scholarship money and no one even asked to see me in a bikini!
Kris says
So you mixed up Miss America and Miss USA….Who really cares. Last I checked they both take place in the United States,
consist of women from the US and both involve strutting in a bikini that has been taped to their butts while wearing high heals.
I want to thank Annette for finally making something related to these pageants entertaining. Perhaps this mix-up was a strategic move
on your part to show the insignificance of both pageants. Maybe we will never know.
Busdriver says
Seriously? You really said chill pill? How old are we and in what decade are we? And how is the writer self-absorbed? Who are the ones that want everyone to look at them while they strut across the stage? The writer is anything but self-absorbed by writing what was posted.
So until you pull your head out of the ground and into the real world, don’t even mention the infamous ‘chill pill’.
SoCal guy says
MAO Fan Says:
“Miss USA and Miss America are two very different pagrant systems with different goals and qualifications.”
Yes this is true, MAO fan.
Miss USA contestants must be leggy and busty & Miss America contestants must have big boobs and nice legs.
Bitchen Beauty says
The original post is so poorly written and so full of misinformation that the author should issue an apology to the pageants she degraded and the winners/contestants she named. Blogs and editorials are a true asset to a free society when the opinions expressed are underscored with facts but crazed, inaccurate diatribes simply add misinformation an already highly misinformed world. However, an intelligent debate about the merits of pageants, such as some of what followed the original post, is a beautiful thing!
DSR says
Miss America and MIss USA are NOT the same thing. They are two separate programs, and have been since the 1950s. Miss America has a longer history, most of which is rooted in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Miss America requires contestants to compete in talent. Miss America is a volunteer-driven organization. Miss USA does NOT include talent, just the other three phases of competition in the America program: interview, swimsuit and evening gown. It’s alarming that “journalists” can’t keep these two programs separate in their minds and in their reports. It’s like the difference between baseball and softball: balls, bats, bases, runs, hits, errors— but two different games. Not that hard to tell ’em apart!
Gilbert Wham says
I am of the opinion that none of the posters vehemently defending missusamericas nice tits & ass contest are actually women. Even the ones called Pam & Laurie (should there be a corollary to Godwin’s law; stating that no-one purporting to be female on the internet actually is?). The baseball/softball analogy above goes to supporting said conclusion. Seriously, who gives a fuck? Most nations have realised how tacky & unpleasant such contests are. Saying ‘Wah! You bad reporter! You get names mixed up!’ will not change this.
Rebecca says
There is absolutely nothing sexual about a beauty pageant. I’ve always thought the critisism from women was simply misplaced envy.
The womens movement want women to forge ahead and do their own thing, unless it means being attractive of course. I strongly disagree with the comment that pageants in the world are on the down-trend. Quite the opposite is true. In South America and Asia they are more popular than ever. In europe it depends on the country you’re talking about, but Spain, Italy and France always have huge pageants. In the US more than 3 million young women and girls compete in pageants of every sort. This is NOT a dieing trend. If anything the industry is as vibrant as ever. We don’t have six or seven channels to switch on the television anymore. We have more than 900. The wealth get’s sread around.
MoJo-Jo-Jo says
Oh wow you guys are pethetic!!
These girls compete for money, for school, and what do they really do to change the world. HMM just another pretty face in the crowded world that will be unknow after its all over.
Unless they choose the playboy way of life, then that will give them some fame untill they get fat!!!
SoCal guy says
I agree,
but really waht everyone wants to know is
which is better on the knob job, Miss America or Miss UISA?
Rebecca says
SoCal guy,
I think you might prefer a hooters convention or Hawaiian Tropics contest. Miss America is 86 years old and Miss USA is 57 years old. The young women who partiicpate in both for the most part are the best students, volunteer in their community and land good jobs when they complete their college education. The media of course likes to concentrate on the few bad apples. Ever worked for a company? Pick any. You’ll find a few bad apples in one little company. Well, over 3 million girls compete on the local, state, and national levels in pageants just in the US alone. You might have heard of three with a “reputation.” The rest are competing, having fun, and enjoying life.
Gilbert Wham says
Well, on the strength of the evidence, I’d say Mis USA wouldn’t you?
SoCal guy says
hmmmm, now that’s an idea Rebecca,
someone should have a dance off between the hooters girls and the pageant girls.
by the way – they look good for a couple of hags – usually the fun bags on womans that
old are downa round the waist
Jack says
I guess your parents never tought you that to talk about women that way, is a direct reflection of who YOU are as a person.
Rafa says
Initially, the author of the article supposes that Miss USA and Miss America are one and the same, yet in the second to the last paragraph, she says, “They’ve signed on to host Miss USA rival Miss America for three more years..”
Miss America does not compete internationally, whereas Miss USA competes in Miss Universe, which is also owned by Donald Trump.
If people are indifferent about the BIG difference between Miss USA and Miss America, perhaps we should also care less about the difference between Miss World (as UK production) and Miss Universe (a U.S. production).
Volunteer says
One should not attempt to write about that which one has no knowledge. This “writer” has done no research and is relying instead on tired old stereotypes of “beauty queens” and the recent scandals of 3 women out of thousands who participate. Someone mentioned the “insignificance” of what these women do. It’s much more than parading on the stage or waving in a parade. If you had taken the time to educate yourself, you’d know that these women work tirelessly all year long, on a local, state and national level, supporting a multitude of charities through their platforms and raising hundreds of thousands of dollars for them. Having these titles gives them access to events and opportunities to contribute that they would not otherwise have. The Miss America Organization is now partnered with Children’s Miracle Network and our pageant contestants to date have raised $664,443 for children’s hospitals in a very short time. I can assure you, the families of those seriously ill children do not think what these girls do is “insignificant.” There is so much more to these women than the one-dimensional picture this careless person has painted. Do a little research, get to know one of your local or state titleholders; you might change your mind about them and maybe, just maybe, be able to see past the “bikinis and trained doves.”
Gittn Rdy says
Miss America is 86 years old?
perfect!
no teeth.
Jack says
I have more respect for an organization like Miss America who has awarded millions in college scholarships to outstanding young women, then the sordid and pathetic one liners given by some of you. Grow up. Miss America is 86 years old and for anything to last that long in pop culture is a milestone that soon will not pass. Keep going strong Miss America. I’m standing by you and what you stand for.