There are some things you can say about Mick Jagger – that he's got a face like a bloodhound's scrotum or that he hasn't written a good song for 29 years – but call Mick Jagger a miser and he'll have a gigantic pissy fit in front of anyone that'll listen.
In an interview with The Times at the weekend, Mick Jagger's ex-wife Jerry Hall claimed that she had to pay for the majority of things to do with their house and children because Mick was so stingy with all his millions. This interview caused Mick Jagger to call up The Times to comprehensively refute that he's anything like a miser. At least we think that's what Mick Jagger said – before we actually got to read the article, Mick Jagger came round our house, snatched the newspaper out of our hands and crammed it down his jumper, muttering "It keeps me warm and it's cheaper than buying a vest" before staring at an open tin of dog food and licking his lips for 20 solid minutes.
We're pretty sure it was Mick Jagger, anyway. We could be wrong.
Mick Jagger has always been the most desperately uncool member of The Rolling Stones. When Keith Richards holds up a Rolling Stones tour, he does it because he's fallen out of a coconut tree on to his head so hard that doctors need to ram a drill into his brain – but when Mick Jagger does it, it's because his throat hurts a little bit. And while Keith Richards spends his days doing cool things like getting pardoned for past crimes by starstruck governors and making up stories about snorting his father, Mick Jagger concerns himself with getting a bigger bedroom than the President and being in failed sitcoms.
But Mick Jagger's painfully uncool image took an even further blow his weekend when his ex-wife Jerry Hall told The Times that Mick Jagger was basically a Dickensian miser who walks around his empty house at night holding a gas lamp and fending off ghosts of Christmas past. OK, this is what she actually said:
“He always wanted me to pay everything to do with the house and the children which I didn’t mind, I guess, because I had the money. But, yeah, he’s pretty tight with the day-to-day stuff.”
The interview was ostensibly less about how Mick Jagger sneakily fills his pockets with free bread rolls when he gets an earlybird lunch deal at his local Harvester and more about how Jerry Hall is about to star in The Vagina Monologues, despite the fact that nobody really cares about a 51-year-old woman talking about her mimsy in a voice that sounds like Lloyd Grossman being kicked in the throat by a donkey. However, that didn't stop Mick Jagger from getting in touch with The Times to put this miser rumour to bed, saying:
“I find her remarks absurd. I have always paid all expenses for the children as well as the lion’s share of the costs relating to her lifestyle, and been more than happy to do so."
Of course, not looking like a miser is a hard thing for Mick Jagger to do. He's been in one of the world's biggest bands for over 40 years – and his last tour alone made $437 million – so nothing he could ever buy will dent his bank balance enough to convince people that he isn't a stingy old money hoarder after all. Nothing, that is, apart from a Nintendo Wii for hecklerspray. That is literally the only thing that Mick Jagger can buy to stop people thinking he's stingy.