MGM To Make A Saggy-Knickered Hobbit Movie
September 12th, 2006 at 16:30 by Stuart Heritage
You thought that was it, didn't you? You thought that - after sitting through the gazillion hours of the combined Lord Of The Rings movies and being force-fed more Enya than one person could stand - it was all over, right?
Wrong! MGM in its infinite wisdom has announced that it's going to make a movie based on The Hobbit - the child-friendly, nauseatingly twee prequel to the Lord Of The Rings series. What's more, MGM has publicly declared that it wants Lord Of The Rings director Peter Jackson to direct this new Hobbit film, so any of you who wanted to see a Hobbit movie that runs for less than eight or nine hours and without several interminable scenes of a wizard walking across a mountain can go and whistle.
The Lord Of The Rings movies had something for everyone, didn't they? Boys could go and watch all the epic battles, girls could swoon over Orlando Bloom without worrying about what a crap actor he is, fans of inexplicably awful accents could watch the boy from The Goonies try and be English and insomniacs could be certain that - midway through the 492 consecutive endings contained within The Lord of The Rings: The Return Of The King - they were guaranteed to drift off to sleep.
We'd have thought that the list of atrocities that the Lord Of The Rings movies have caused - including the Lord Of The Rings musical, the career of Orlando Bloom, the King Kong remake, anything to do with Narnia - the last thing that anyone would want is more Lord Of The Rings movies. But what do we know? MGM head Harry Sloan has seemingly decided to try and make more needless sequels than anyone in history. As well as a sequel to The Pink Panther, another Thomas Crown Affair sequel and Terminator 4, Sloan has said that he wants Peter Jackson to direct a movie based on The Hobbit. The Hobbit, for those of you who don't know, is about a Hobbit walking across a mountain for three hours and then killing a dragon watching someone else kill a dragon.
However, if Peter Jackson is to direct a movie based on The Hobbit, all the beardy goblin geeks will probably have a long time to wait, since Peter Jackson first has to finish executive-producing the Halo movie for the dancing car man and then produce the Dam Busters remake by making it longer and a bit less racist. So in the meantime, why not make your own Hobbit movie? All you need is a hill, an old man, a child who won't be too emotionally traumatised by being made to stab a dog dressed up as a dragon in the chest and every single pissing Enya CD that HMV can sell you.
Update - yeah yeah, so Bilbo didn't kill the dragon himself. Hardly worth the trek across the mountains really…
Read more:
Will Peter Jackson Direct The Hobbit? - Cinematical
[story by Stuart Heritage]
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September 13th, 2006 at 12:56 am
Hey,
Re Unending shots of great NZ countryside and other matters.
Bad thing
Narnia (or “The Lying Bitch in the Cupboard”) had nothing to do with The Rings.
I’d be pretty sure also PJ would not have too many fond thoughts of that movie!!
September 13th, 2006 at 3:41 am
To Mr Stuart Heritage
I read your article on the potential creation of a movie, The Hobbit, by Peter Jackson with amusement. Although I personally
enjoyed the Lord of the Rings trilogy - particularly their literary integrity - it was interesting to hear your point of view and
your humorous presentation gave me a rather good giggle.
However I feel I must correct you on one thing. The Hobbit - if it is ever to become a film - will not be a movie about a
hobbit who walks across a mountain and kills a dragon, unless it significantly differs from the book, in which Smaug (the
dragon) was killed by Bard.
Therefore the Hobbit will be a film about a hobbit who walks across a mountain for three hours and then somebody else
kills a dragon.
September 13th, 2006 at 5:48 am
You’re obviously too biased against the film(s) for me to try to convince you otherwise. However, I would like to point out the factual inaccuracy. Bilbo (The Hobbit) does not kill the dragon. It is Bard of Laketown. I’m sure you will think me anal-retentive for correcting you, but when you post snarkey posts designed to draw the ire of Lord of the Rings fans (to say nothing of Narnia fans) you should probably at least make them factually accurate so that fans can only rave at you for your personal distaste for the films.
September 13th, 2006 at 12:37 pm
Hey Chill man its only a movie - they are all in the entertainment buisness - just like your weblog.
Billion US$ Plus at the box office - movie goers can’t be all that wrong.
Credit where it due. Rather this than many of the crap movies we had in the 70’s
April 15th, 2007 at 12:41 am
*Laughs* The Hobbit is a prequel, not a sequel. You’re an idiot. You are way to biased against it to write a engaging article about this. For either side.