Matthew McConaughey Unironically Names Baby After Biblical Figure

As the world slowly comes to terms with the fact that Matthew McConaughey has successfully spawned, fears over what he’d name his baby have gradually taken hold.

But it’s OK - Matthew McConaughey isn’t like all these other ridiculous celebrities with their weird predilictions for nutty baby names. Instead Matthew McConaughey has chosen a simple, humble name for his new son - Levi Alves McConaughey - after his favourite character in the Bible.

By naming his baby Levi, Matthew McConaughey must secretly hope that the boy grows up to be the equal of the biblical figure - an astrologist who once stabbed the entire male population of a city to death because one of them might have raped his sister. Still, rather that than making romantic comedies for a living like his dad, eh?

Matthew McConaughey has always enjoyed the simple things in life, like surfing and bongo-playing and magically being able to reverse the advanced stages of male pattern baldness at will, so it’s only right that any child of his should be given a name that’s equally simple.

As it just so happens, Matthew McConaughey became a father for the first time earlier this week, and he had just the name ready to bestow upon the baby - Levi.

It’s the perfect name, and not just because it’s an actual name instead of a Countdown-style random series of consonants and vowels - yes, Shiloh Nouvel, we’re looking at you.

Little Levi Alves McConaughey has been blessed with a name packed with meaning and history and hope, for Levi was the grandfather of Moses, the founder of the Israelite tribe of Levi and, later, the man who invented Reggae Reggae Sauce.

Most of all, though, by calling his son Levi, Matthew McConaughey hasn’t succumbed to that uncomfortably egotistical celebrity habit of naming their children after themselves. Which is most certainly a good thing, because that would have made Matthew McConaughey an uncontrollable dick. Matthew explained to OK! magazine:

“Levi was another name for the apostle Matthew in The Bible. They were, in fact, two names for the same person. Our son was born at 6:22 pm, and this particular time represents my favorite verse in the book of Matthew in The Bible: ‘If thy eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light.’”

Wait a minute - Matthew McConaughey has named his son after himself, but in a slightly clever way! What a dick!

Oh, we’re just kidding, sort of. It’s nice that Matthew McConaughey has found such a deeply spiritual meaning to his son’s birth, and it should be seen as an act of destiny that young Levi was born at 6:22pm - one minute later and his birth time would have represented the verse Matthew 6:23, which reads “And lo, I done a guff in a lift and everyone was like ‘Cor that stinks, who did that?’ and I was like ‘Shut up if you think it’s me, you massive gang of wankers’ even though it was me. I am well nang.” A fortunate escape.