By and large hot dogs are such an awful, slightly metallic, offally, penis-shaped food that it'd take most normal people about half an hour to just eat one without managing to vomit all the bad meat back up again over their hands.
So credit where credit's due, Joey Chestnut deserves your respect. Yesterday at the annual Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition in New York, Joey Chestnut managed to pack away 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes – that's one hot dog every 10.9 seconds. Joey Chestnut's grotesque display of hot dog-wolfing not only scored him a world record but also forced former six-time hot dog eating winner Takeru Kobayashi into the sort of convulsing puke frenzy that'd swear you off all food for the rest of your life. As new hot dog eating champion, Joey Chestnut wins a mustard-coloured belt, $10,000, the respect of his peers and an early coronary-related death.
Remember last week when we told you that there were no sexy vegetarians on the planet? Well, the annual Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition that takes place each July 4 in New York is a testament to that. 17 men? Forcing clump after clump of mechanically-separated meat product wrapped in sheep intestine into their dribble-filled mouths for 12 relentlessly disgusting minutes? Until some of them vomit it all down their chests? In front of 30,000 screaming fans? That's the sexiest thing we've ever bloody heard.
More than ever, the importance of yesterday's Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition could not be overstated. Having comprehensively lost the hot dog eating crown to the Japanese for the last nine years – including six times to hot dog eating legend Takeru Kobayashi alone – America had it all to play for. And in Joey Chestnut, a 23-year-old Californian, America had its knight in shining armour. A competitive eating monolith, Joey Chestnut can claim to eat 18 waffles in ten minutes, 47 grilled cheese waffles in 10 minutes, 8.4 pounds of pork rib meat in 12 minutes, 212 chicken and vegetable gyoza in 10 minutes and 182 chicken wings in 30 minutes. Plus he can drink a gallon of milk in 41 seconds. Truly, Joey Chestnut is a giant among men. And, as ABC reports, this year's hot dog eating competition was a close-run thing:
Chestnut, the great red, white and blue hope in the annual Fourth of July competition, broke his own world record by inhaling 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes a staggering one every 10.9 seconds before a screaming crowd in Coney Island. "If I needed to eat another one right now, I could," the 23-year-old Californian said after receiving the mustard yellow belt emblematic of hot dog eating supremacy… "This title's been held by Kobayashi for six years, so it's about time it came home," said Chestnut, holding an American flag in his arms. "I knew going into this contest that Kobayashi was going to give 100 percent."
Here's a video of Joey Chestnut's dramatic hot dog eating victory. Be warned, though – you may never eat again if you watch it, not least if you're repulsed by the sight of a Japanese man suddenly blasting a juddering wave of hot dog vomit into his hands before he tries to eat the vomit again without anyone noticing…
Don't say we didn't warn you. Anyway, as hot dog eating champion of the world, Joey Chestnut has done enough to single-handedly restore all of the national pride that America lost when its Miss Universe contestant fell over and got booed. hecklerspray would like to extend a hearty congratulations its American cousins, who must all be very proud that they are once again champions of stuffing things into their mouths. We'd also like to warn them not to get too complacent because as soon as we've convinced Lisa Riley from You've Been Framed to take part in next year's event, you people are dust.
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Skip Schwarz says
Penis-shaped hot dogs?! A gross and revealing statement about the contents of the author’s mind. Guess we should be glad he didn’t do a write-up on “vagina-shaped hamburgers” or servings of mashed potatoes that look like cow pies.
JTK says
Maybe someone who likes hotdogs should have done the writing on this one.
muellerduran says
hot dogs………really very bad taste!!!! If you blog or have a webpage check out http://www.widgetmate.com
Le Chiffre says
@ Skip Schwarz
It does not take a genuis to mend you and the writers sort of minds together.
Emi Elliott says
I was already repulsed by the very act of ANYONE cramming fool down their gut like a bunch of flipping idiots; then your article. The “hot dog” fiasco makes me ashamed to eat; your article makes me want to stop reading for a while. But hey, maybe a little absurdity might prevent a few more folks from making fools of themselves and shortening their life-time.
Wadey says
Do I detect a slight note of Anti-American in this article? Hot dogs are lovely and so are Americans. xxx
magic8ball says
Congratulations on managing to write the article without using a double-entendre involving the word “wiener.”
Adam Gade says
Wadey, you’re a goober. I’m from Chicago and I couldn’t stop convulsing with laughter at this article (like all the other ones). In fact, my cheeks hurt now…