If hecklerspray’s mother’s only chance at a decent pension was to write a tell-all book about raising us to adulthood, there’d probably be an entire chapter dedicated to the time an iguana latched onto our nethers during a Caribbean camping trip, and kept its jaw firmly locked all the way back to the mainland.
It got us in an outhouse. We should have brought a flashlight.
Also there’d be a chapter about how that reptile-hanger-onner had us tied up in Customs for a day and a half. If this book actually happens, don’t anybody read it. We’d simply die.
When Britney Spears gets a tell-all book penned by her mother, it doesn’t get to have any lizard encounters included unless its about dancing with them in those new fangled southern churches. What it does get, however, is vivid accounts of Brit-Brit drinking at 13, drugging at 15, and watching her virginity sail over the horizon on the guardrail of a decrepit family tree house.
The tree house bit is probably not an actual excerpt.
Britney Spears and her mother Lynne have long had an apparent poor relationship. They tried to kill each once other or something, and we heard they had a full-on tug of war with Jamie Lynn’s recent umbilical cord.
The baby was still attached to it. So was Jamie Lynn. We heard it was very slippery, and in the end everyone laughed and had a good time.
If that is true at all you can read about it in Mother Spears upcoming book Through The Storm, which we heard is written in the spirit of Tom Clancy and an updated William Shakespeare. We’re waiting for it in paperback. If you read it don’t spoil it.
The Sun talks about the tome’s content:
“Wild child Britney allegedly first hit the bottle after joining Disney’s squeaky-clean Mickey Mouse Club. Mum LYNNE claims 14-year-old Britney then had sex with an 18-year-old high school footballer soon after she quit the TV show. And she had her first taste of drugs at 15 when she went to Los Angeles to record her debut album Baby One More Time. The sensational revelations were leaked last night ahead of publication of Lynne’s memoir, titled Through the Storm.”
Well a mother telling all of her troubled daughter’s most intimate secrets sounds OK to us, but if there is so much as a sentence of Britney shaving Federline‘s corn-rowed back we’re gonna report it to some sort of ethics committee.
The book was supposed to come out a little while back, but it got postponed after Lynne Spears’ other daughter, who we think is named Rosebud or something, got knocked up by the teenage love of her life. Hopefully all that will be included in the sequel.
We’ve heard film rights have been acquired by Steven Spielberg, and the Nolan brothers are hammering out the script to give it that crazy Dark Knight appeal. As those two prefer to work with people they know, Christian Bale will be playing the part of Lynne Spears – and spot on too, no doubt.