The world may go through some difficult changes in the next 25 years, but at least Lou Pearlman won’t give us any more crappy boybands.
That’s because Lou Pearlman has just been sentenced to 25 years in jail after being found guilty of conspiracy, money laundering and various other dodgy white-collar crap. Ironically, though, Lou Pearlman only got six months in jail for committing those crimes – the other 24.5 years were a punishment for inventing ‘N Sync.
Oh, we’re just kidding. Being the mastermind behind the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync didn’t affect Lou Pearlman’s sentence at all. He got given such a long sentence because he’s fat and creepy-looking. And you’re next, Santa!
Off the top of our head we can think of all kinds of atrocities that Lou Pearlman is responsible for. Because he put together ‘N Sync, Lou Pearlman’s to blame for that last Madonna single with Justin Timberlake not being very good. Because he managed Britney Spears‘ first girlband Innosense, he’s responsible for us having to look at Britney’s mouldy beaver every couple of minutes. And if he hadn’t created the Backstreet Boys, well, the alleged R Kelly sex tape would have had a completely different soundtrack.
But apparently you can’t go to jail for any of that. We know this because we researched it for a month back when Lou Pearlman was threatening the world with O-Town. Anyway, things you can go to jail for include conspiracy, money laundering and presenting a false claim in a bankruptcy court, and they’re all things that Lou Pearlman did as well, so it all balances out in the end.
Not that Lou Pearlman is your average money launderer, you understand – he’s apparently swindled thousands of people out of life savings worth roughly $300 million in one of the biggest Ponzi schemes in history. And then spent it all on hotdogs by the look of it, the big fat sod.
Back in March, Lou Pearlman admitted his crime – convincing the innocent to invest $2 million each in companies that only existed on paper – and now Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years in jail for it, as Reuters reports:
Boy band mogul Lou Pearlman, who launched the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, was sentenced on Wednesday to 25 years in prison for swindling investors and major U.S. banks out of more than $300 million… U.S. Judge G. Kendall Sharp held up a book with letters from Pearlman’s victims, saying they included “his family, his close friends and people in their 70s and 80s who have lost their life savings. So the sympathy factor doesn’t run high with the court,” Sharp said.
It’s good that Lou Pearlman was hit with such a gigantic sentence, because his crime was undoubtedly very serious. We were going to try and work out how much more serious Lou Pearlman’s 25 years in jail were than Nicole Richie’s 82 minutes in jail here, but then we started to smell burning coming from our brain so we decided to stop.
Anyway, that’s the last any of us will hear from Lou Pearlman until the year 2033. That is at least until he gets his new artist management scheme up and running in whatever cushy white-collar jail he’s sent to. He’s going to try and put together a boyband made of grisly old institutionalised convicted insider traders, you see. They’ll be called ‘M Bezzle. ‘M Bezzle. Get it? Anyone? ‘M Bezzle? Oh, whatever.
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Rido says
Big surprise…The guy was on Blender’s Music Villains list…
http://www.blender.com/articles/default.aspx?key=25482&pg=2