Marriage is a tricky thing. First you have to find that special somebody and date them for at least a week. Then you have to have an elaborate wedding in a rocketship that you'll later find out was just a giant pickle barrel your friends were shaking in a lift-off sort of way while you and the misses were delicately crammed inside.
That last bit is more embarrassing than it sounds actually. We full-on threw up when we thought we were in lunar orbit – and all over our pants too. That really should have been our first gravity-riddled clue.
Now obviously weddings can be tough – but the marital aftermath is always sun-filled and peachy. There are a few steps you can take to ensure this cohabited bliss will last for your entire lifetime. The first is to forcefully eject your father-in-law from your wedding, and then wait by the mailbox until the letter that says "I have decided to cut all ties with my son" arrives from him in the mail with a five dollar bill softly tucked inside.
We want you to know the above mentioned steps to a happy marriage really do work. Just ask Elizabeth Hurley – she basically pioneered the method.
It wasn't so long ago that Liz Hurley's wedding to some not-famous Indian guy was celebrated from the rooftops of Punjabi villages all across India, and also across 21,004 New York City eastern-themed restaurants. At the time is was a multi-day lavish wedding complete with horn-priests, Hugh Grant monkeys and the general feeling of satisfaction that only not being pregnant can bring.
Those times – those happy times – they're all gone now. They're fading into the past like the American gulf coast into the belly of Katrina. Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar are well enough off, knock on wood or don't, but Nayar's relationship with his father has been dropped in the crapper. It seems the grief started when Hurley had her father-in-law kicked out of the wedding party for hogging the cheese plate. Actually we don't know why he got the boot, but we do know why he's so stinkin' mad:
“Out of the hundreds of photos taken at both events, I only feature in two. My dear wife was totally ostracised and is in none.”
Dad's comments don't end there. Word is he sent his son a letter too. Here's a supposedly bonafide excerpt:
“I have decided to cut all ties with my son. I don’t wish ill to them but I feel that Liz and Arun behaved shamefully and placed more importance on showing off than their own family. This was supposed to be the start of a lovely new chapter in all our lives. But I have only experienced sadness and loss. This unpleasantness is not my doing. I am not doing this lightly. It’s a big step, I know, but I have come to the end of the road. They let greed and a desire to show off to the world come before family. They have broken my heart and left me with no choice but to disown them.”
The whole familial madness is said to have started when Hurley's mother-in-law leaked wedding info to the press, and somehow tried to use the wedding to promote her jewelry line or something. So can this marriage last? Now that Arun is a totally gross orphan, will Hurley stay married to him? Will Nayar really want to spend that much time with a woman who has Bedazzled typed in such big pink font on her resume? Will India ever make a curry that doesn't taste like foot?
By the mighty blue multi-armed Gods, we may never know.
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magic8ball says
There’s a joke in there somewhere about how many more successful marriages there would be if everyone managed to get rid of their in-laws on their wedding day.
sdsfa says
cuury is not for the xenophobic , tastebudless foulmouth like yours. so enjoy yor stinky foot in the meantime