Welcome one and all to the hecklerspray Eurovision liveblog 2006. We've spent the last month tearing through the Eurovision betting odds of each country; and now that Eurovision is finally here, we're going to be liveblogging the arse off it.
Eurovision is now just a matter of minutes away, and all of the Eurovision stars are preparing to show Europe that they can be just as spangly and incomprehensible and crap as anyone else in this goddamned continent. Lordi are strapping their prosthetic noses on, Daz Sampson is going "What did you learn? What did you learn?" over and over into a mirror like Robert De Niro at the end of Raging Bull, that Maltese bloke is furiously tweaking his annoying soulpatch and the Greek Eurovision hosts are visibly questioning if this was really the right career choice for them.
And us? Why, we're only vaguely certain that we'll be able to get all the way through the Eurovision Song Contest without a) bursting into tears or b) trying to pop our eyes with an unfolded paperclip.
So here we go! Liveblogging Eurovision 2006! Yee-ha! Don't forget to place a Eurovision bet if you haven't already, and don't forget that the most recent stuff is going to be on the top. Ready? This won't be pretty…
11:09 – And so, as Lordi play out Eurovision in their ridiculous prosthetic outfits and Europe realises that all that ironic phone voting won't look nearly as funny in the morning, it's time to say goodbye. What have we learnt? Well, we've learnt that we'll never be even a tenth as good at dancing as that spazzy Lithuanian. We've learnt that not even aggressive boob thrusting can make people vote for Moldova. We've learnt that Daz Sampson isn't as good as we thought. And finally, we've learnt that we now have a pathetic crush on the ginger Greek female Eurovision host. And isn't that the most important thing? Apart from watching the Lithuanian Eurovision performance on YouTube over and over, obviously.
10:55 – So that's it. Finland are champions of Eurovision. Lithuania – the spiritual winners of Eurovision – came sixth. Daz Sampson and the UK did abominably, so it's back to the mobile disco for you, Mr Sampson. Until you decide to make another shoddy wedding reception remix and get to number 15 in the charts, of course.
10:52 – Malta just got their first point! Someone loves the crazy-eyed fool after all!
10:48 – It's almost a certainty that Lordi and Finland have won Eurovision now. That means that next year everyone is going to get shipped off to a tiny freezing country that smells of herrings for next year's Eurovision. Germany are now beating the UK, so we don't even get to use that lousy chant we invented 25 minutes ago. The indignation!
10:43 – The German judge is dressed up as a cowboy. In a hilarious way, naturally. Daz Sampson continues to underperform and embarrass us in front of Europe. We're burning his passport the first chance we get, we don't mind telling you.
10:40 – Fearne Cotton is giving the UK's vote. Isn't it past her bedtime? But still – ten points for Lithuania and another 12 for Finland. We're feeling a swell of nationalistic pride at the moment, we don't mind telling you.
10:35 – Finland are miles ahead now, it looks very much like Lordi are going to snatch Eurovision victory. They were 22/1 as well. Did we bet on them? No. Are we crying bitter bitter tears of regret at the moment? Why yes. Yes we are.
10:30 – The judge from The Netherlands just said "I like your blouse! Let's go!". Then gave all of Europe his mobile number. The tit.
10:29 – Israel, Malta and France still have nil points. Proof, if proof was ever needed that people hate depressing songs, Luther Vandross rip-offs and men with the eyes of a killer.
10:23 – Estonia has just thrown the UK a couple of scraps. But, hey, we're beating the German cowboys. And that's something. Two world wars, one world cup and a slightly less crap Eurovision turnout. That's the new chant, be sure to use it.
10:20 – Daz Sampson has only got eight points, bless him. But Malta has none. 25 more countries left to score…
10:15 – Scoring update: Finland are winning! Daz Sampson is doing rubbish. Lithuania is top three!
10:11 – The Slovenia judge wants to marry the female Eurovision host. But she's ours. Ours!
10:06 – Men dressed as giant terrifying birds have just given way to some fools with giant heads dancing in a crap way and a small blast of the bouzouki. Meanwhile on ITV, Ben Elton is telling a joke about vaginas and we die a little on the inside.
10:01 – Wait! The interval isn't finished! And – holy shit – it's just got scary! Men and women in robes and masks are carrying flaming torches and chanting all sorts of spooky stuff. This isn't Eurovision, this is The Wicker Man, and we've just wet ourselves.
9:57 – So the Eurovision interval in full: that woman who won the last Eurovision singing a song about a mambo or something. It's no Riverdance, but on the plus side – it's no Riverdance.
9:51 – Oh dear, Shabaz has made Dawn cry on Big Brother and now the gay Canadian in the cowboy hat is telling him off. And now Shabaz is throwing a right old strop. And on ITV – urgh – Ben Elton in a sparkly suit.
9:48 – Uh-oh, Eurovision interval time. And that means Nana Mouskouri. No! Less Nana Mouskouri! More ginger lady Eurovision host! This is lousy, what else is on TV?
9:43 – A man in a hoodie dancing on a table, big deal. OK, that's enough. Now let's score this sonofabitch. Don't forget to vote for Lithuania – we want to see that bald man do the spaz-dance again. 0901 121 3114. Do it. Do it…
9:40 – Maybe we're suffering from Eurovision overload here, but the Turkish song sounds exactly like every other bloody song we've heard all evening. The good news is there's just one more song. The bad news is that it comes from Armenia.
9:36 – Sweden! Flags! Silver trousers! Synchronised dancing! Christmassy bells! A screaming woman with dead soulless eyes! This one'll do well.
9:34 – Ireland's song just came and went, and put all of Europe to sleep.
9:30 – The skirt's come off! Not for the first time, we'd bet.
9:28 – Croatia! And we've seen this woman in a filthy filthy filthy video, so we want her to do well. Although she didn't look as weird in the video as she does today. And she certainly didn't go "oydoydoydoydoydodoy" in the video. We've gone off Severina a bit now, actually.
9:24 – France! This is easily the most depressing song of the evening. Strike that, it's the most depressing song we've ever heard in our freaking lives. Seriously, this makes Joy Division sound like the theme-tune to Pocoyo.
9:20 – The Ukraine singer looks like Shakira, so we're genetically programmed to love her. Shame her song is so lousy, though.
9:18 – OK, the unfurling wings were a nice touch, but it's hardly Lithuania's song, is it?
9:16 – Blimey, Jeremy Beadle's let himself go a bit, hasn't he?
9:15 – Lordi! Lordi! Lordi! The Finnish metal overlords take Eurovision!
9:12 – Poor Daz – sandwiched between Lithuania and this Greek song. It's the favourite to win, you know. It's a power ballad performed by an overdramatic pensioner in a windtunnel. How could it ever fail?
9:09 – Daz Sampson is playing out of his skin, even if he does look like a bit too 'Sunshine Bus' for our liking. "VOTE FOR THE MUSIC!" Daz yells. And the crowd have gone properly mental. Could we actually win this?
9:08 – Oh shit, it's us.
9:06 – Megaphones! Spazzy dancing! Shouting! This is phenomenal! Who's going to be the chump that follows this?
9:04 – Lithuania! Brilliant!! If you're reading this, vote for Lithuania. This is ace!
9:01 – Bosnia! And Hertzegovina! The 13th Eurovision song of the night, and the 13th rubbish looking white outfit. We'd like to go backstage and go apeshit with a hosepipe and a tank of Ribena, that'd wipe the smiles off their faces. The Bosnian song? Meh.
8:59 – We're falling in love with the female Greek Eurovision host a bit, you know. Not her male Eurovision hosting partner, though. He can bugger off.
8:54 – Terry Wogan has just said that the Romanian entry is a good singer. As we all know, that's code for "he goes 'Wooooah-oh-oh, hi-hi-hi-hi-hi-hi' all the sodding time." This one is, as the kids say, "bangin'".
8:50 – Macedonia are playing it safe with a pretty half-dressed girl in teeny hotpants. Weirdly though, she seems to be singing last year's Greek Eurovision song. Hope nobody notices.
8:47 – Imagine a Roy Orbison song shouted by a really fierce looking A Level student with a breakdance interlude. Well, that's the Danish entry. And now Russia. The last time we saw a haircut as bad as the Russian Eurovision entrant's, we were being pickpocketed at a travelling funfair. This guy wrote a song called Bum once, you know. Blimey! A woman has just burst out of a piano! That's us freaked out.
8:40 – Did we just…? We did, we just tapped our feet along to the German cowboy song. So this is what self-loathing feels like…
8:39 – German cowboys with banjos and cardboard cacti. We feel like we're being undeservedly punished for some cosmic mistake we once made in a former life.
8:38 – Germany! We're not looking forward to this.
8:35 – Malta! Oh thank God, he's shaved his soulpatch off. Which sort of draws attention to his freaky murderer eyes a bit more. And his song – which sounds like that Cher song off the Saga advert. And not in a good way, either. But full marks for an inventive use of a cummerbund.
8:33 – Norway is being represented by six different versions of Buffy The Vampire Slayer doing Enya impressions. Which is sort of novel, we suppose. Novel but crap. Spain does better – four angry girls in swivel chairs and some interpretive dance. This sounds like Joe Le Taxi, but it sounds like the chorus goes "Duty free! Duty free!"
8:23 – Latvia! These Latvians are performing acapella, which means one sings and the rest go "BweeeYUP! Bweeejeflugh!" and spin around a lot. And there's a robot onstage. A robot made out of a box and a paper plate. We're so confused that we just threw up a little bit in our lap.
8:20 – Did you want to hear about the rubbish Israeli Luther Vandross? Well, tough. He was literally too rubbish for words.
8:17 – Now she's in a wedding dress! These Moldovans move a bit quick, we tell you. A quick boobie-thrust and you have to get married? Crikey! we're striking Moldova off our holiday list sharpish.
8:15 – Moldova! Moldovan reggae, to be more precise. And we have our first blond bimbette in a bikini ramming her tits into a man's face – the first of many in this year's Eurovision, we're sure.
8:11 – Switzerland! Pretty much the entire population of Switzerland, in fact, singing one syllable in turn. Except for the chorus where they all sing together and try to out-"wooaaAAAH!" each other. The song is rubbish, like the world's worst Coca Cola advert. We counted nine hundred billion keychanges, as well.
8:04 – The Eurovision hosts have just flown – flown – on to the stage, although the female Eurovision host seems to have been kidnapped and replaced with Grace from Will & Grace. And here's last year's Eurovision winner – Helen Paparapzidinzo – performing last year's winning song while some blokes bungee jump around a bit. Terry Wogan has stopped commentating for a bit to watch Helen sing. All we can hear are some sordid Irish grunts for the duration of the song. What on Earth could he be doing? Here comes the first song!
8:00 – Yay! Hello Eurovision fanfare! Hello Terry Wogan! Hello, um, shouting woman in a silver dress! Hello giant suspended Terry's Chocolate Orange with a bunch on men hanging off of it dangling from the ceiling! What's going on? There seems to be some interpretive dance going on. And on. And on. With a woman shrieking in the middle. This is crap, where's Lordi?
[story by Stuart Heritage]
Isotopp says
To vote for Finland from germany, call 0137 20201 17 now. Replace the 17 with a song number from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eurovision_Song_Contest_2006 for any other country.
Isotopp says
We are beating the UK? This is beginning to feel like a soccer match!
chars says
I loved Eurovision. I am a huge fan. i wanted Lithuania to win, what a genius song!! really, it was awesome. You can see a video of the winning act, finland, on my site,
http://celebreligion.com, Enjoy!
Lithuania says
WE ARE THE WINNERS
sargex says
Check the LT United repetition in Lithuania… :) They have a sence of humour… For sure :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6h9gIioh_0&search=Eurovision%20Lithuania