Hands up who wants to see a film where Lindsay Lohan gets stranded on a deserted island for some reason.
Anybody? No? Nobody? Good. What you’ve done is successfully recognise the difference between Lindsay Lohan being stranded on a deserted island in real life (which would probably be quite good) and Lindsay Lohan making a film about Lindsay Lohan being stranded on a desert island that you’ll have to spend two entire hours watching (which would be worse than anything you could possibly imagine).
But this is all an irrelevance. Lindsay Lohan won’t be making a film about being stranded on a deserted island. The producers have reportedly sacked her, because she’s no longer ‘bankable’ enough. Incidentally, IMDb lists the film’s stars as Dave Matthews, Alanis Morissette, the guy from My Name Is Earl and Macaulay Culkin‘s little brother. All of whom are now more bankable than Lindsay Lohan. Ouch.
Lindsay Lohan’s personal life might be in the toilet to such a depressing extent that her own father can happily ask the police to raid her apartment, and her Twitter feed has basically transformed into an elongated agonised howl, but she’s always got her career.
Gone are the days when producers would write letters admonishing Lindsay Lohan for messing up their films by being such a relentless boozehound. And gone are the days when Lindsay Lohan films would go straight to DVD. Any time now, Lindsay Lohan’s new film Machete will be released and it’ll put her right back on the map. Admittedly it’s a map of questionable actresses who star in deliberately bad films – and the only other landmark on the map is Debbie Gibson in Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus – but, by getting a film made and theatrically released at all, Lindsay Lohan is back in the big league.
Except she isn’t, because she’s just been sacked from a film for not being famous enough. UsMagazine reports:
A director has confirmed he fired Lohan from what was supposed to be her next flick, The Other Side. “Our team simply chose to move on from Lindsay and we’ll soon be announcing a replacement,” writer/director David Michaels said. Sources say that the film’s financial backers were nervous about relying on Lohan and didn’t think she was “bankable.”
Although this will no doubt be seen as yet another low point in Lindsay Lohan’s career, we can’t help feeling slightly pleased about this news. For one, The Other Side is no longer a Lindsay Lohan film – it’s a film that primarily stars Alanis Morissette and Culkin The Younger – so we’re even less likely to see it now than we ever were.
And secondly, Lindsay Lohan would have played a student stranded on a deserted island. That, to us, sounds a bit like Castaway. Now, imagine Lindsay Lohan in Castaway, alternating between screeching at her Wilson for intruding on her privacy and trying as hard as she can to have drunken sexual intercourse with it. We’re all better off for not having that in our lives.
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Jamie says
The last paragraph in this article made me wet myself a little bit. Good form.