It keeps getting worse. Through the arrests and the drugs and the rehab and the unemployability and everything else that has happened to Lindsay Lohan over the last few years, at least she’s been able to pride herself on the fact that her father has never staged a spurious police-enforced raid on her house to rescue Lindsay’s 16-year-old sister from her evil clutches.
But that’s what happened yesterday. And, thanks to the combination of Michael Lohan‘s attention-seeking dimwittery, Lindsay Lohan’s compulsion to tweet everything that happens to her and the fact that Michael and Lindsay Lohan pretty much make the world’s worst father/daughter partnership, this adds up to the funniest story ever. Or, if you’re a human being with feelings, the most depressing story ever.
We dislike Michael Lohan. Of course we do. We’d dislike anyone whose sperm is directly responsible for creating Lindsay Lohan. But lately we’ve realised that we really dislike Michael Lohan. Why? Because he’s made us feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay Lohan used to be the funnest car crash around. It was hilarious when she was arrested for DUI, it was brilliant when she decided to become a lesbian, and Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex is something that we can still only talk about with the kind of hushed awe that’s usually saved for quite nice Mediterranean cathedrals. But then Michael Lohan had to come along and, with his bad decision-making skills, relentless self-interest and general toolery, he’s managed to make Lindsay Lohan look like a genuinely tragic figure.
Just yesterday, under the pretence of being concerned for his 16-year-old daughter, Michael Lohan managed to rally enough policemen to raid Lindsay Lohan’s LA home while she was still in it. Police, unsurprisingly, found ‘no evidence of abuse’ in the apartment and left again, leaving Lindsay Lohan to leave an epic 36-tweet rant about him on her Twitter feed. Highlights:
OMG!!!!!!!!!! i have no choice but to make this public, due to my sister’s safety, as well as my own, “my ex-dad” just WALKED INTO MY APT like the devil’s advocate with officers…. let’s not forget, that my father KIDNAPPED me from a COURT ROOM when i was 4 years old and is CRAZY… pathological liar- a person who lies to the point of it being considered a disease or condition, an abnormally habitual liar = MY FATHER.
It’s been reported that the real reason for Michael Lohan’s raid is that he’s keen to become Lindsay Lohan’s Britney-style conservator. At this juncture we feel as if we should point out to Michael that conservatorships tend not to be given to people who are clearly as batshit – if not more batshit – than the people they’re supposed to be looking after.
On the bright side, this could hopefully mark rock bottom for the Lohans, and from this point they’ll be able to figure out a way to interact with each other in a more respectful way. Although, that said, we did once say that Amy Winehouse had hit rock bottom, and then a couple of weeks later her tits exploded. We know nothing, that’s our point here.