The dignity that Lindsay Lohan has demonstrated in the face of her impending imprisonment is truly admirable.
Oh, hang on. Wait. We were thinking of someone else. Our fault. Sorry. What we actually meant to say was ‘Ha ha ha, Lindsay Lohan has been quoting the UN’s Universal Declaration Of Human Rights on her Twitter page just because she’s going to prison for a few weeks soon, ha ha ha what a colossal helmet’. Yes, that seems more appropriate.
Because that’s what she’s done. Hours after being sentenced to a maximum of 90 days in jail, Lindsay Lohan appears to have singled herself out as a victim of cruel and inhuman punishment. Tell you what Lindsay, you sit all the way through I Know Who Killed Me and then we’ll talk about cruel and inhuman punishment, OK?
Let’s play a game of Human Rights Abuse Odd One Out. All you have to do is guess which one of the following isn’t actually a human rights abuse. Ready?
1 – Pol Pot‘s Khmer Rouge regime, responsible for the deaths of at least 1.4 million Cambodians between 1975 and 1979.
2 – Stalin‘s Gulags, thought to be responsible for the deaths of 50 million political prisoners between 1930 and 1950.
3 – Lindsay Lohan‘s relatively brief prison sentence for essentially being a bit of a dickhead.
That’s right, it’s number three. But nobody tell that to Lindsay Lohan, because she seems fairly convinced that her three-month jail sentence – handed down to her after she repeatedly violated the terms of her probation, skipped court dates and turned up to court with the words ‘FUCK U’ written on her fingernails following a 2007 arrest for driving a car while loaded on booze and cocaine before claiming that she wasn’t driving the car and the cocaine wasn’t hers – is a gigantic human rights violation.
Since her sentencing, here’s what Lindsay Lohan has written on Twitter:
It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.” this was taken from an article by Erik Luna. “November 1 marked the 15th anniversary of the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines. But there were no celebrations, parades, or other festivities in honor of this punishment scheme created by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission. Instead, the day passed like most others during the last 15 years:Scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules.”
Oh, bless Lindsay Lohan for taking an interest, even if none of that stuff is applicable to her situation in any tangible way whatsoever.
But we’re looking forward to the day that Lindsay Lohan is released from prison, to see whether this new-found humanitarian streak will continue. Hopefully she’ll start up a charity to raise awareness of other spoilt little cokeheads who break probation, fail to attend scheduled hearings, turn up to court with swearwords written on their fingernails and then act all wounded when they get punished for it. She’d basically be the new Mother Teresa.
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Eugene says
Isn’t there any way that we can arrange for Lindsay Lohan to serve her sentence in North Korea or Myanmar? Given her stated interest in Human Rights abuse, it might be interesting for her to find out first hand what the term really means.