After months of skipped court dates and SCRAM violations and lord knows what else, it’s jail for Lindsay Lohan.
Three months of jail, in fact. Which, thanks to severe prison overcrowding and Lindsay Lohan’s celebrity status, probably equates to about four and a half minutes of jail. But, hey, that’s better than nothing. Technically Lindsay’s jail sentence came from her 2007 drink-driving arrests, and subsequent failure to comply with the terms of her probation but, let’s be fair, it could have been for anything.
It’s sad in a way. We think it’ll be Lindsay Lohan’s stream of incoherent tweets that we’ll miss the most. No, the endless photos of her falling over. No, the public spats with her dad. No, nothing. That’s it. We’re going to miss nothing about Lindsay Lohan when she’s in jail.
Let this be a lesson to all would-be criminals. You can run, but you can’t hide, from the law. Admittedly Lindsay Lohan never actually tried to run from the law – he was too busy setting off her alcohol monitor and falling over in clubs and getting punched in the face by waitresses and pretending to have lost her passport to run from anything – but the point still stands, more or less.
And in court yesterday, it all caught up with her. The details of Lindsay Lohan’s 2007 DUI arrests. The way that she claimed in both cases that she wasn’t the driver. The way that she claimed that the cocaine-filled trousers she was wearing belonged to someone else, even though she was high on cocaine when she said it and they were her favourite trousers. The seven times she’d broken probation by skipping her alcohol rehabilitation classes. The time she missed a court date to attend a party in Cannes.
And it all added up to a 90-day jail sentence set to begin later this month. The Los Angeles Times reports:
A Beverly Hills judge Tuesday sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 90 days in jail for repeatedly violating the terms of her probation, ignoring the actress’ tearful pleas for one more chance. [Judge] Revel handed down three 30-day sentences and also ordered her to spend 90 days in a locked-down drug rehabilitation facility ? a much stiffer penalty than L.A. prosecutors had sought.
You have to feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. Even if she only serves as fraction of her sentence – which looks likely – she’s bound to leave prison a ragged, jaded, prematurely-aged, dead-eyed shaking drug-addicted participant of beatings and all manner of harrowing sex acts with numerous mannish lesbians.
Admittedly that’s because that’s how she’ll enter prison but, you know, whatever.
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