Exciting news – Lindsay Lohan has become a fugitive. A fugitive just like in that film, Nuns On The Run.
What terrible crime did Lindsay Lohan commit? Maybe the most terrible crime in the world – there’s a warrant out for Lindsay’s arrest because she marginally changed her alcohol rehabilitation program against the regulations of her probation. Yeah, take that Josef Fritzl – there’s a new girl in town and she means business!
Worse still, Lindsay Lohan could spend a year in jail because of this. So it’s fortunate that she had the good sense to turn lesbian by choice last year, really.
We don’t know if you know this, but Lindsay Lohan is a busy woman. It might not look it, but have you tried plodding around three paces behind a lesbian who looks like she’s from a Specials cover band all the time with a sour look on your face every single day? It doesn’t leave a lot of free time, especially when you also have to mark every public holiday with an embarrassing public squabble.
And it’s this dedication that might just lead Lindsay Lohan to a year-long jail sentence. Right now there’s an arrest warrant on Lindsay Lohan’s head for apparently violating the probation she received after getting hammered on booze and crashing her car in 2007.
Now, before you start getting excited about the re-emergence of Exciting Lindsay Lohan after over year of Pointlessly Dull Lindsay Lohan, you should cool your jets. Lindsay Lohan didn’t violate her probation by accidentally gunning down a bystander, nor by setting a farmyard on fire and setting the burning animals on a rampage through the streets of New York – you know, something fun – but rather for slightly changing the regularity of her alcohol rehabilitation program. Radaronline reports:
“Lindsay simply wants to change her alcohol program, and notified the court that she was leaving [her current program],” says the source. “Lindsay’s intent is simply to change programs [rather than not attend them at all]”. According to the source, the actress must currently attend the class once a week and she wants to change, “because it’s just not a good fit.”
And because she did this, Lindsay Lohan is now on the lam and faces up to a year in jail. Honestly, it’s just like Thelma And Louise, except it’s about a minor bureaucratic infraction instead of murdering a rapist, and the main characters are genuinely tiresome and it probably won’t have the same happy ending.
But, with depressing inevitability, a court hearing has been set up for today, and Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers seem certain that they’ll be able to convince the judge that this was all just a massive misunderstanding and Lindsay will be set free without any real punishment.
It’s a shame, because female prisons are traditionally full of mannish, tired-looking, opportunistic lesbians, so a year-long stint inside one would have provided a number of sure-fire dating possibilities for Lindsay Lohan.
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Melodie says
Having seen both Chained Heat and Chained Heat 2, I think I’m a much greater authority on the conditions inside female prisons than you will ever be, and I’m hear to tell you, every single inmate in those places is a) wrongfully convicted and b) a stone cold fox.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK, Heritage.