Alexander the Great was forced to ever expand his empire because he kept running out of nations to fight and conquer.
Similarly, Lily Allen has had pointless, bitchy fights with the entire alphabet of celebrities and now she is forced to create a whole new generation of famous people to hurl abuse at from the safety of her MySpace page (and yes, before you start I do realise the irony inherent in that statement).
She's knocked up, is what I'm trying to say. Congratulations, and so forth.
It turns out that Lily Allen pulling out her commitments in the Glastonbury and Benicassim festivals last month wasn?t because they?d realised that they had accidentally booked a tri-nippled dwarf with a mockney accent who, if the light should catch her the correct way, looks disturbingly like her father, and now you can't not see it.
It's like that optical illusion where it could be a man in a hat, or it could be an Eskimo looking into a cave, and once you've seen the second one you can't get it out of your head. And now you're stuck imagining having sex with her, playing Russian Roulette, knowing that at any second she could incline her head the wrong way, or be caught by the light in such a way that you're now having sex with Keith Allen and you can't just stop, you'd feel awkward and rude not finishing, so you carry on, feeling dirtier and dirtier until you are basically committing sexual abuse on yourself, which is novel, but there just won't ever be enough cleaning solvents.
No, she probably pulled out because her boyfriend didn't. The Sun rubs its knees and proclaims:
Chart star Lily Allen and boyfriend Sam Cooper are expecting their first child. Thrilled Lily, 25, and Sam, 32, broke the news to friends and family at the weekend after having a three-month hospital scan.
It took three months just to scan her? Jesus. Guess the nipple thing is just the start of her abnormal biology. Fingers crossed that all that scanning hasn't done irreparable damage, and that it comes out with a normal number of nipples. And doesn't release any rubbish albums.
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