Larry King notoriously has a thing for the ladies. And by ‘thing’, we mean ‘withered, shop-worn 76-year-old nutsack’.
But that still counts. Larry King has got married eight times now, and each one of them has ended in horrible failure. Why? We always assumed that Larry King only got married to women so that he could drink their spinal fluid in their sleep to keep him young, and then divorced them once he’d cleaned them out. But maybe we were wrong.
Maybe, as it’s being alleged, Larry King gets divorced because his wives discover his affairs with their sisters. According to reports, King had been enjoying a five-year relationship with Shannon Engemann, the sister of his wife Shawn Southwick. So now you have to imagine wrinkly old Benjamin Button toddler Larry King having frail, borderline nightmarish sex with not just one clenched-faced middle-aged woman, but two. You’re welcome, the internet.
Every sex scandal is different in its own way. With Tiger Woods you were forced to reconcile a man’s public image with his seedy private life. With David Letterman you had the looming shawdow of blackmail. Jesse James has its weird thrall to Nazism. Charlie Sheen has a rubbish fake moustache. And this rumoured new Larry King sex scandal is no different.
This is because when talking about a Larry King sex scandal you’re confronted with the indelible mental image of a pair of saggy 76-year-old buttocks forlornly thrusting backwards and forwards, and the same noise that Larry King makes as he’s trying to interrupt a guest to move to a break, repeated again and again to approximate the throes of sexual ecstasy. Oh, and also because he might be banging his sister-in-law.
When it was revealed that Larry King was getting divorced from his wife of 13 years Shawn Southwick yesterday, speculation was rife as to why. Maybe he couldn’t keep up with her youthful 50-year-old ways, or maybe she decided to find love with a man who doesn’t look like he smells of damp biscuits and ointment. But if current whispers are to be believed, the divorce might have something to do with Larry King’s rumoured five-year relationship with Shawn Southwick’s sister Shannon Engemann. MSNBC reports:
According to several sources close to the ?Larry King Live? show, rumors that King was having an affair with his current wife?s sister have been a longtime issue. ?For years, we were dealing with these rumors,? said one source. ?We were always trying to do damage control on this situation… It's surprising that it took this long to get out?.
It goes without saying, obviously, that these are just rumours. Nobody knows for sure whether Larry King had a sexual affair with his sister-in-law. Not least her sister-in-law herself, who has probably done everything in her power to wipe that harrowing memory from her brain by downing a mixture of booze, prescription drugs and toilet bleach at regular intervals since the affair started. We’re not saying she has done that, mind you, but that’s what we’d do if we let a grisly old man like Larry King put his erect penis anywhere near us. That’s all.
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stella says
Does anyone seriously believe that a 76-year-old decrepit mummy can have, no, fake a stiffy without some kind of derrick, much less wield it all by himself? That was the ladies