As anyone who has ever seen 24, Lost Boys or his mugshot already knows – Kiefer Sutherland is tougher than a t-rex’s calcified colon.
Sure, he likes talking about little baby ponies a little more that your typical hero, and he refers to his favourite shirt as the ‘one covered in speckled rainbow,’ but aside from that he has got what it takes to save people’s lives. On TV.
Also sometimes he awkwardly intervenes on behalf of distressed damsels in real life too. For instance, he recently came to the aide of an ‘assaulted’ Brooke Shields.
When Kiefer Sutherland gets out of jail, he usually likes to wait several months until he gets in the news for anything else. Check. Also, he likes to star in television programmes that used to be action-packed dramas but have begun to resemble the sixth season of Friends more and more with each passing episode. Check.
Since both of those are obvious truths, you may be wondering when the first one mentioned is due to blossom. The answer is now. You see, Kiefer has been good friends with Brooke Shields ever since he held up her big saggy face long enough for for her to syringe it full of Botox. Seriously – you should see the before & afters.
We made up the Botox thing. We also made up the ‘they’re good friends’ thing. Although according to TMZ that may be true anyway:
“Law enforcement sources tell us Kiefer Sutherland headbutted a man in New York City last night, causing lacerations on the man’s nose — all while defending the honor of one Brooke Shields.
“It happened at an after-party for the Met costume gala last night. We’re told witnesses say the alleged victim — Jack McCullough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCullough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.”
When asked later about why he felt obligated to defend Brooke he said simply:
“Brooke Shields is my [sic] insperation to act. When I first saw her in that movie, uh…what’s it [sic] caled…uh, escape to blue island or something? Well it changed my life. In the scene where she first made [sic] luv to that curly-haired rapscallion and her eyes were so full of convincing passion, I thought to myself Yes! Yes – this is what I want to do with my life.”
We assume Kiefer was talking about wanting to act for the rest of his life as opposed to make love to rapscallions. You really never know though. We also assume most of that quote was fabricated – those [sic]s were?some nice touches, eh? We threw those in to really drive it home.
Anyhow – Sutherland totally headbutted some guy who wouldn’t apologise for callously slamming into Brooke Shields and sending her tumbling into a table covered in stillborns, live salamanders, broccoli and whatever else celebrities like to snack on at those ritzy fashion shows. This could cause a problem as, like we said, he didn’t get released from jail that long ago, and all the probation hearings we’ve ever attended (we’ve been to six. Two of them ours) have grand high counsels that really frown on violent assaults no matter what the cause.
That’s just something to keep in mind, Kief, in case you ever see an old lady intentionally trip Kathy Ireland.
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