This is how most people break up: You sit down across from them is some fashion or other, take them by the hand, look them in their questioning eyes and say 'I'm sorry, but you smell like fish-sauce'.
But this is how hecklerspray breaks up – we say: "Please don't leave us! We'll do anything! Aww, but we only just bought you that belt-!! Please please please, no no no no no-!! Why now? Oh why now? We don't even know what a restraining order is-!! Why are the police here? Baby, please" (as we're getting dragged out) "just look at us one last time! Please, please Step-Mom, please-!!" All that with our lips quivering and dripping with nose juice.
Now clearly one technique is superior to the other, but it's important to note that there are many more dumping options as well. Kid Rock, for instance, has a method all his own. He sits down with his phone, throws one leg over the arm of his recliner and types 'This is our break-up' into his text messenger. Or something like that.
But he does it all with a quiet dignity.
About now, any time you see Kid Rock's name in a headline it's because he just married Pam Anderson's enormous boobies. A month ago, however, he did something else that was almost as funny – right when he got engaged to that torso attached to the non-nipple ends of Pam 1 & 2. He dumped his then girlfriend by texting her on his mobile phone.
His now ex-girlfriend was a 22-year-old named Jill Gulseth who claims to have been heartbroken by her Kid Rock relationship coming to a screeching halt. More specifically, she said:
"I really cared for him from the bottom of my heart. To be broken up within a text was just so shocking and upsetting. I cried a lot to friends and family. I wasn’t myself."
The two were only together for three months, but just the same young Jill blabbed on about how she'd hoped to take that long marital walk with Rock. And his money. And his fame. And his enviable deodorant-sprinkled white tank-top collection. Well she didn't use those words, but you get the picture.
At the same time though, think about it: The girl claims the text-dump happened a month ago. Pam's wedding announcement also happened about a month ago. Does that mean the procedure went something like this: "Pam & Pam, will you guys marry me? Jiggle if 'yes', don't jiggle for 'no'? OK, now was that a 'yes' or a quiet cough? Great! Hang on, I gotta use my phone real quick."
Really though, the whole thing's not a bad idea. With the text-dump, you don't have to look at the person, don't have to answer any questions, and you get to look cool and popular because you're typing with your thumb.
Yes, text-dumping may be the only win-win a man has left.
Read more:
Pam's Kid Branded Loverat – The Sun
[story by Shawn Lindseth]