Dancing With The Stars is easily the best show on television. No, wait, not best – we meant least accurately titled.
It’s true. None of the words correlate. For one, the Dancing With The Stars contestants aren’t actually stars, let alone the definitive star collection that the titular use of the word ‘The’ suggests. Second, their graceless plodding technically isn’t dancing. Third, we’re not dancing with anyone – we’re just watching. Really it should be called Looking At Some People You Vaguely Recognise Clump Around A Bit.
Anyway, Dancing With The Stars is back. Who’s in it? Find out after the jump.
OK, no messing around. Dancing With The Stars returns for a new season starts on September 21. Can this new season surpass the mighty last season of Dancing With The Stars, which was won by a girl who looked about four, had a boy’s name and was in possession of one of the world’s creepiest stalkers?
No. No, obviously it can’t. Because that was awesome. Nevertheless, the new Dancing With The Stars contestants have been revealed – and they are…
Mya – No, not MIA. Mya. Oh, come on, you remember Mya – she performed on that Lady Marmalade song. No, she’s not Pink. Or Christina Aguilera. Or Missy Elliott. Or Lil’ Kim. The other one. Yes, there was another one. It was news to us too.
Melissa Joan Hart – It’s Sabrina The Teenage Witch! Fun fact: Melissa Joan Hart is 33 years old, which is weird because she looked about 40 in the last couple of Sabrina years. Either Melissa Joan Hart is lying about her age or she’s got awful genes.
Michael Irvin – Former Dallas cowboy. That doesn’t mean that he used to be a professional footballer – it means he used to ride around modern-day Dallas on a horse, getting into bar fights and shooting prostitutes. Legal note: Michael Irvin may not have literally shot a prostitute.
Ashley Hamilton – Ashley’s Dancing With The Stars profile describes him as an ‘actor, comedian, singer-songwriter’ which, just in case you didn’t know, is Hollywood code for ‘his dad is George Hamilton so he’s allowed to witlessly blunder through as many cack-headed half-thought-out careers as he likes because he’ll be minted as soon as the old man snuffs it’.
Aaron Carter – World’s most annoying three-year-old boy.
Kathy Ireland – Kathy Ireland used to be a model, so expect her to progress 75% of the way through Dancing With The Stars until it’s no longer feasible for the public to keep her in just because she’s a bit milfy.
Debi Mazar – Occasionally appears in four-second scenes on some episodes of Entourage. And that’s literally it.
Natalie Coughlin – This year’s Dancing With The Stars winner, on the basis that she’s an athlete and that’s how it works.
Louie Vito – Louis Vito is a professional snowboarder and not, as his name suggests, a character from The Sopranos. Could have fooled us.
Chuck Liddell – Hoping to bring his extensive Ultimate Fighting expertise to Dancing With The Stars. Our prediction? He’ll stub his toe after a fortnight in and cry off sick, the GREAT BIG GIRL.
Donny Osmond – Most famous, of course, for appearing on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here with a fire-eyed bear who spoke in the lifeless voice of a thousand children and stank of table seasoning. This is true.
Tom DeLay – This year’s obligatory Hilarious Old Man Who Doesn’t Understand That Dancing With The Stars Will Destroy Whatever Meagre Credibility He’s Spent His Entire Life Trying To Scrape Together.
Macy Gray – The biggest problem that Macy Gray faces isn’t basic coordination – it’s building the strength in her neck to support her giant building-sized Easter Island head for the entire duration of a routine.
Joanna Krupa – Not a clue. Sorry. We can’t even be bothered to Google this one.
Mark Dacascos – From Iron Chef, which has always annoyed us because it makes out that being an iron chef is good, when actually iron’s capacity for heat conduction is so high that it’s actually probably quite a dangerous thing to be. Silica Chef, that’s the thing to be.
Kelly Osbourne – Wet-mouthed rehab bunny who’s taking on part of the great global Osbourne dancing reality show takeover of 2009, with Sharon Osbourne rumoured to be appearing on Strictly Come Dancing and Ozzy Osbourne planning to jig about under a CCTV camera in a car park in Thurrock for 25 seconds.
Exciting, huh? Huh? Anyone? Hello? Oh come back you gigantic sods.
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shooty* says
Blimey, I had to do a double take there: I got Kathy Ireland confused with Kylie Ireland, which would have been interesting.
Mark Dacascos was also a second rate Crow, at last partially responsible (along with Tara Reid, Edward Furlong and David Boreanaz) for the degrading of that franchise.
superlative says
You can put lipstick on a pig, but Kelly Osbourne will still be a fat talentless meat sack.
JoeMomma says
She’s not fat! Not with the magic of Photoshop.