Like many people, we’ve often dreamt of jiggling around flashing lights into Keanu Reeves’ face as he attempts to drive a car.
But we’ve been too scared to do that, because of that paparazzo who claimed that Keanu Reeves mercilessly mowed him down while he was doing that exact same thing. But our days of worry are far behind us, readers – Keanu Reeves has been cleared of liability over the accident.
You know what that means? It means that Keanu Reeves didn’t run over photographer Alison Silva last year, yes, but mainly it means that we’re all allowed to be as infuriatingly intrusive towards Keanu Reeves while he’s in his car as we like, and he almost certainly won’t drive into us as fast as he can, shattering our pelvis into a million pieces. Almost certainly. Result!
It’s best to think of the paparazzi as big game hunters. That way you’ll realise that Lindsay Lohan is a common prey, like a slurring elk that hardly ever wears knickers, while Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are more like elephants because they’re massive and they’ll quite often attack anyone who gets too close to them.
And then there’s Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves is more like a mountain lion, for two reasons. One, he’s slippery and hard to track down and, two, he’s never knowingly displayed a recognisable human emotion. But let’s concentrate on the first one for the time being.
Because Keanu Reeves deliberately shuns the limelight as much as possible, the paparazzi can often find themselves getting over-excited in his presence. That’s what happened to photographer Alison Silva last year, when he attempted to grab a picture of Keanu Reeves in his car and ended up splattered across the tarmac.
At the time Silva claimed that Keanu Reeves had run him over, while Reeves himself said that Silva fell over of his own accord because he was so busy over-zealously clicking away into his little camera. With a depressing amount of inevitability the argument went to court, with Silva demanding $640,800 for medical bills and loss of earnings.
But yesterday Keanu Reeves was cleared of any liability in the accident, which means that Alison Silva can go and shove his loss of earnings up his tarmac-destroyed bottom. Reuters reports:
Actor Keanu Reeves was cleared on Monday of any liability for injuries a paparazzo claimed he suffered when he was struck by the actor’s car. A Los Angeles jury deliberated for about an hour in the civil lawsuit brought by photographer Alison Silva against the “Matrix” star before clearing Reeves.
Keanu Reeves hasn’t commented on the result of the case yet, and he really doesn’t need to, because just about everyone on the planet will assume that he’d just blanky murmur “woah,” and that’s probably about three or four times as eloquent as whatever he was planning to say anyway.
And, in time, Alison Silva will come to appreciate the fact that he lost his case. After all, had he won, Keanu Reeves would have taken on more work to recoup his losses, and we’re pretty sure that knowing you were ultimately responsible for Johnny Mneumonic 2 would be far more painful than the injuries you picked up slowly falling over in front of Keanu Reeves’ car.