Katie Melua's distinctive brand of deathly dull, wishy-washy, Parkinson-friendly snoozepop has conquered much of planet Earth, except for one place – 303 metres under the sea.
So, sensing that 303 metres underwater was a key untapped sales market, Katie Melua did what any self-respecting attention-seeker would do and played a concert for anyone who happened to be 303 metres underwater at the time. And Katie Melua broke the record for playing the world's deepest underwater concert while she was at it. But that's not all – Katie Melua also helped break the world record for the most suicidally indifferent underground oil rig workers.
The strange Radio 2 blandpop sensation that won over legions of housewives and Michael Parkinson a couple of years ago looks like it might finally be juddering to a standstill. The movement's leader, James Blunt, thankfully got the message when Paul Weller said that he'd rather 'eat his own shit' than duet with him, and decided that buying a mountain and looking after donkeys would be better for everyone than to continue releasing any more of his honking drivel. And it looks as though Katie Melua has hit hard times, too.
It was only a few months ago that Katie Melua was a frontrunner for Christmas number one, but now Katie's been forced to try increasingly desperate publicity stunts to try and sell a few records. Yesterday, for instance, Katie Melua got in a lift, travelled 303 metres underwater to an oil rig and broke the record for dullest songs ever played underwater world's deepest underwater concert.
Why did Katie Melua bother to break this record? Well, we've got it down to three possibilities. 1) Norwegian TV was making a Katie Melua special, 2) Katie Melua's got a new DVD out that she's trying to flog or 3) Katie Melua's sinister Svengali Mike Batt wanted to use Katie as a way of distracting the oil rig workers so that he could redirect all the crude oil to pop out of his garden. Either way, Katie Melua seems happy enough about breaking the underwater record:
"This was definitely the most surreal gig I have ever done. Giving a concert to the workers there was something really extraordinary and an occasion that I will remember all my life."
Really, Katie? Singing songs in basically a big underwater tank was more surreal than, say, whispering your tiny songs to a hall full of drowsy old ladies and people carrier-owning thirtysomething ninnies like you have done at every single other concert you've ever done? You don't say.
Here's hoping that all this record breaking has awoken something deep within Katie Melua, and that she'll start breaking more records on a regular basis. For instance, we'd like to see Katie Melua be the first singer to perform a concert with their leg in a steel beartrap, or the singer that soundtracks the world's most carbon monoxide poisonings, or the first singer to try and play a concert on the surface of the sun.
Read more:
Melua Enters The Record Books – Contactmusic
[story by Stuart Heritage]