One of the upsides to being the world's most famous odd-looking supermodel is that you're expected to be a bit raucous, which is perfectly fine unless you happen to live quite near Kate Moss when she's doing it.
Now that it finally looks as if even Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have joined the rest of the world in not caring about the status of their relationship, Kate Moss has moved out of the home they shared together and into the mansion belonging to her friend Davinia Taylor, who was in Hollyoaks for a fraction of a second over a decade ago. Anyway, it seems like all Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor want to do is party all the time like a couple of hen-night pikeys in some grotty provincial town on 50p vodka-shot night, but Kate Moss' new neighbours don't share their enthusiasm. They're so furious that they want to get the police and the government involved and stuff.
Thanks to Kate Moss' new TopShop range – and the obligatory window-sized posters of Kate Moss staring off vacantly into the middle-distance like she's trying to work out basic arithmetic that go with it – we can't walk past a branch of the store without thinking that Kate Moss is our giant, vacant, two-dimensional neighbour. And that alone is a terrifying thought – so imagine what really living next to Kate Moss must actually be like.
Even though it might appear to be a blessing that Kate Moss doesn't live with Pete Doherty any more – at least the place doesn't smell like blocked drains or sound like this bloody awful noise – now Kate Moss has moved in with toilet-roll heiress and one-time actress Davinia Taylor, things have only got worse for her neighbours.
Apparently Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor like to use their St John's Wood mansion to kid themselves that they're young again, by listening to loud music and singing and having guests like Liam Gallagher over at all hours. And even though you'd think that the natural reaction to seeing Liam Gallagher, Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor titting around together in St John's Wood would be to rub your eyes and wonder if you've fallen asleep and woken up in 1996, it seems that local residents haven't been doing that at all.
In fact, local residents are so angry with Kate Moss' parties that we'd almost feel sorry for them if only they didn't live in St John's Wood and were therefore all bastards. Like this one, 61-year-old Diane Macintosh, who told reporters:
"I don't want anything to do with them. Since they have come it has been impossible to live here. Everybody has been complaining, especially those with children. I can assure you everyone on this street is angry. I have written to the MP and to the police – everyone I can think of. It has been absolute hell since they came over. They sleep all day and go out all night. My son is going to write them a letter explaining the trouble they have caused."
Quite right too – and we're sure that the day Kate Moss learns to read she'll immediately see the error of her ways and calm down.
However, a noisy neighbour is a noisy neighbour – and the best way to fight fire is with more fire – so perhaps the residents on St John's Wood should start thinking about making a din of their own when Kate Moss is trying to sleep to see how she likes it. So if you're in the area one day and you hear a bunch of deafening harpsichord music or people making grilled halloumi cous-cous tagines really loudly, then you know it's just the good people of St John's Wood fighting back.