Hey girls, did you know you’ll never be as beautiful as Kate Hudson? You didn’t? Well you’re not, so why don’t you just hurl yourself under a lorry or something.
We’re not being cruel here, we’re just stating a fact. People magazine has named its most beautiful people of the year and Kate Hudson has won. You weren’t even in the top ten, you massive uggo.
Don’t get sad, it’s the truth. And you can’t dispute that a massive magazine like People doesn’t know what it’s talking about, because look at the runners-up who came after Kate Hudson – Mary J Blige, Bruce Willis‘ daughter, a woman we’ve never heard of whose name is Beard, the ginger woman who got her minge out in Short Cuts. That’s beauty you just can’t argue with, girls.
In the past people have said that the secret of beauty is a sense of inner calm or clear skin or a complex million-to-one genetic fluke that happens to fit society’s faddishly ephemeral ideals at any given time, but all these people are idiots.
Because People magazine has spoken, and it seems that the real secret of beauty is making a lot of rubbish romantic comedies that are all basically identical and about as funny as spinal injuries. It’s true – last year People magazine named Drew Barrymore as its most beautiful person and this year it’s picked Kate Hudson, who’s basically just Drew Barrymore with slightly curlier hair.
Although there’s no doubting Kate Hudson’s beauty – she is, remember, so beautiful that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself when they split up – it seems like an odd choice to us. After all, Kate Hudson only came 54th in the recent FHM sexiest woman in the world poll, and you can’t tell us that horny 14-year-old boys judge beauty differently to 37-year-old women. That’s just frankly ludicrous.
Anyway, as ever, the best part of People‘s most beautiful list is reading what each beautiful person has to say about when they feel at their most beautiful. And this is what Kate Hudson said:
“I feel at my most beautiful when I see myself on the cover of a magazine and I’ve clearly been airbrushed. I mean really airbrushed. I love it when they airbrush the shit out of my face until I barely even look human any more, because that way I know I’ve made millions of women around the world feel ugly and insecure. And we all know that nobody’s more receptive to cosmetic adverts than ugly insecure women, right girls?”
Ah, not really. Instead, Kate Hudson actually said this:
“I don’t even remember the last time I got a manicure. I even got to the point where I started waxing my own legs because I don’t have the time. I’d rather be home with Ryder sitting there waxing my legs. I haven’t gotten a facial in a million years. I don’t do those kinds of things. And when I do, I always think, ‘I should do this more often’.”
So that’s that. But don’t worry if you think that, by parading Kate Hudson round and giving her a title based on a notion that every person finds individually subjective, People magazine is setting dangerously unobtainable standards for millions of young girls who’ll potentially develop eating disorders in a fruitless quest to appear on the most beautiful list in the future.
Because Vanessa Hudgens is also on the list, so the message is that girls can just as easily make the list if they get their vaginas out on the internet instead.
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Kat says
This is one of the best articles I’ve read in a while – and it’s spot on. Advertising corporations, media and hollywood have been indulging in their nasty little threesome at society’s expense for so long now that it’s becoming second nature to question our own self-worth. After all, if the sheeple are led to believe that completely ordinary-looking women like Kate Hudson are the most beautiful in the world, that surely means that the rest of us are completely unattractive, right? Of course, it works in their favor because insecurity = profit. Which is what it’s all about for the mega corporations. We need to start ignoring the tripe magazines at the checkout aisle and cut back on our movie watching. It’s all so fake and doctored up that it’s practically laughable – aside from the fact that it’s ruining the collective self image of society. When are people going to wake up and stop supporting this madness?