Remember when people used to like those old idiots The Jonas Brothers? Ugh, they were so old and gross.
Not like Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber has got everything. The sound of Chris Brown. The haircut of pre-troubles Aaron Carter. The angelic face and hairless body of Pinocchio, if Pinocchio was carved by a beady-eyed, sweaty-palmed member of the sex offender’s register. And yesterday Justin Bieber turned 16. What does that mean? Who cares, it’s Justin Bieber!
Honestly, Justin Bieber is so hot right now. He makes Robert Pattinson look like a lanky, unwashed dullard with a crap haircut. Which we suppose technically he is, anyway, but forget that. Justin Bieber! Justin Bieber WHEEEEE!
If you don’t know who Justin Bieber is, that probably means you’re old. And by old, we mean over the age of 12 and fond of songs that aren’t exclusively about text messages. But even though you don’t know who Justin Bieber is – because you finished school and you’ve got hairy armpits and you can remember what life was like before the internet – you probably will soon enough. Because Justin Bieber will soon be everywhere, like a weird injection-moulded action figure of Zac Efron as a toddler or a shriller version of Justin Timberlake who looks a bit like a shaved puppy.
Look, here’s a Justin Bieber video, just so we all know what we’re dealing with…
How long did it take you to stop watching that video? Was it the first time Justin Bieber raised his index finger like he’d just jammed it into a dog turd and he didn’t know what to do with it? Yeah, us too.
Anyway, now you know who he is, we can tell you that yesterday was a big day for Justin Bieber. It was the day that he turned 16. Justin Bieber is now old enough to drive a car and apply to be on American Idol, and he’s just five short years away from being old enough to legally get shitfaced on booze in a blind effort to drown all the sorrows of his long-passed nanosecond of fame on what’s likely to be the first step of his inevitable transformation into the next Leif Garrett. Hooray! Here’s how ShowbizSpy reported the Bieber birthday:
Justin Bieber is sixteen! But Bieber?s birthday celebrations got underway this past weekend with a three-day party in Los Angeles. Justin reportedly enjoyed sumo wrestling, basketball, and paintball amongst other activities. On the eve of his birthday, Bieber took to his Twitter page to thank his millions of followers saying, ?surrounded by great friends and my birthday is almost here. thanks to everyone for the well wishes.?
That’s sweet. But Justin Bieber better not rest on his laurels too much. He’s 16 now, and he’s not getting any younger. Sooner or later someone younger than him – presumably a foetus in a hoodie or a wodge of spunk in a petri dish shaped like a BMX – will come along and steal his fans. Also, 16? By now Justin Bieber should have at least posted scantily-clad photos of himself on MySpace or appeared in a creepy almost-nude magazine photoshoot with his dad. He hasn’t even been pregnant yet, not even once. What kind of a teen star does this boy think he is?
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michelle morton says
i tottaly love justin hes such a cutie and for all u haters u need to stop cuz he better than u and u know it i love his music ive heard baby a million times i love him so much and his music and every song on my mp3 player is his i love you justin hope u read my message
michelle morton says
hi fans keep lovin justin bieber cuz hes the very very very very best
michelle morton says
hi justin bieber when is ur next concert i would tottaly love to be there for my birthday my birthday is july 3 hope you have a concert that day i want you to sing to me and everything the song i want u to sing is baby i love that song dont forget my name is michelle morton-chow
this kid is garbage
I feel bad… He is very talented but child stars always end up so messed up… I hope he makes it unscathed but I doubt it.
sue sue says
hello, i am in love with justin bieber.
took me exactly 4 seconds to stop watching that homo
Well i think Justin Bieber has a good voice and all but lets all face it he is ugly as crap okkay okayy byee !
he’s the very very very very worst pleeez kid has no talent HANSON had more talent than this stick kid he is a leif garrett clone ! Guess where he is now try googling many critics and experts compared the 2 Leif Garrett and Justin Beaver not bieber
trust me folks all that fame and money will wash him away lol
and he is GAY lastly It took RIckY Martin 10years to admit when all you airhead women kept saying he isn t now you all shut up and moved on to a kid shall I say pedophilliac fanatics!!
He is Gay and untalented! Won’t be long before us guys will take a chance to like a canadian girl soon who will make a huge hit and knock justin beaver off the map!
He will be washed up like Leif Garrett trust me!
pz la verdad en algunas fotos sale bien guapo esta guapo es super cuuul canta bien chido que quieren mas bueno a mi me gusta pero yo quiero a otra persona muy importante para mi se llama netit0o0o0 bueno no se llama asi se llama ernesto y lo amo0o0o0 con todo mi corazon es especial simpre lo veo en la prepa y pz justin echale ganas y no te rindas pliz
bueno adios esta bien guapo
:b :)te quiero mucho
rossi dan justin says
I LOVE YOU JUSTIN DREW BIEBER I like you
kristell quintero molina says
Oooooo I go 4 da freakin prson hoo rote dis bout justin trning 16 + she baged all da celebs I hate. Dat brings me closr 2 her + I agree JUSTIN BIEBER is da HOTTEST fuckin boy I evar knoo.so HA!!! 2 all da losers hoo dont kno bout JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!! Luv ya JUSTIN!!!!!!! ;) :) ur da freakin best singa evar + ur soooooooo HOT!!! HOT!!! HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tiricia lopez says
.,.,.i love u justin bieber i like our song baby and one time.,.,.,akin ka na lang po.,.,.
hi justinbiber si lee es or que me lovellllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooooooooooooooosssssssssoooooooooooyyyyyyyyy ttttttttttttttuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuffffffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnttttttttttttttssssssssssssssss no 1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111tttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooooooooooooooooy te dare 10 cosas 1ere lin do 2ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmoooooooooooooo3456789 y10 dameamores ssiiiiiii are lo que me digas adiosllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
te adoro sos lo mejor q conosi..!
justin eres el mejor y muy guapo te quiero
eu te amo justin bieber
lv u justin bieber!!
ps: my mate wants to know if u had sex yet she want it!?
get a life, please!