Oh People magazine, you’re such terrible sluts. Don’t bother trying to hide it – we can see straight through you.
Look at how you’re treating poor Johnny Depp. According to that list you published yesterday, Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive. But what happened the day before yesterday? That’s right, it was announced that Johnny Depp was going to earn at least $35 million from Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. Coincidence? HARDLY.
You only love Johnny Depp for his money don’t you, People magazine? Not his easygoing charm or his faultless complexion – it’s his money. We’ll never be good enough for you will we, People magazine? Even though we love you SO MUCH. Well stuff you, People magazine. Stuff you in your MOUTH.
Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But hecklerspray, surely Johnny Depp isn’t the sexiest man alive. Surely it’s you or – at a push – Robert Pattinson. But not Johnny Depp.” And that’s where you’d be wrong. Firstly, we’ve been ruled ineligible for People‘s Sexiest Man Alive title on account of our bizarre face and horrible personality. And secondly, Robert Pattinson isn’t sexy. Yes, he makes people involuntarily wet themselves, but so does diabetes and that’s not especially sexy, is it?
So no. Forget Robert Pattinson. It’s Johnny Depp who’s the sexiest man alive. People magazine said so yesterday, so it must be true. And, yes, we know that People magazine also once said that Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey were also the sexiest men alive, but you have to forgive it for those years – it was going through a lot at work and was probably on some sort of antibiotics that impaired its judgement or something. But that’s all in the past now.
So when People magazine says that Johnny Depp is the sexiest man alive, you have to believe it. Especially when it can back up its claims with stone-cold reasoning like this:
From a sexy swashbuckler in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise to quirkier roles like Edward Scissorhands, the 46-year-old star has had women swooning since his days as a teen detective on 21 Jump Street. Yet it’s his devotion to his family that really makes the actor so endearing. “I could sit there all day and do nothing but watch them grow,” he’s said of children. “I’m totally inspired by them.”
You see, men? What’s really sexy is being dependable and devoted to your family. And if that describes you, then deep down you’re as sexy as Johnny Depp. True, less people will want to sleep with you because you only wear tatty old clothes that are covered in baby sick and you generally don’t seem very motivated, plus you aren’t able to earn $35 million for dressing up in a silly costume and running around in a funny way, plus you’re flabby and pallid and balding whereas Johnny Depp is none of those things despite being much older than you. But aside from that, you’re just as sexy.
You’re not. You’re nowhere near as sexy as Johnny Depp. In a line-up comprised of you, Johnny Depp and a toilet that’s full of tramp sick, women would always pick you last. All women. Even your own wife. We think that’s what People magazine is getting at, anyway.
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Melodie says
It was always thus. Their annual 50/100/Whathaveyou Most Beautiful People in the World issue is always larded with people who are currently really popular, or have some major project in the works.
Plus it’s not the most beautiful in the world so much as it is “amongst athletes and entertainers in the continental United States.”
Plus a fireman.
You can’t have that issue without the fireman.
Jessica says
Only the second time I’ve agreed with People on anything – the other time was the first time they picked him as SMA. Did you pick on old goat Clooney, definitely homely Damon or plain vanilla Pitt the same as Johnny?
DANA MARTIN says
JOHNNY IS THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. THEY SHOULD RETIRE THAT TITLE AFTER HIM. HE IS TIMELESS.
Sunny says
I agree Melodie, firemen are really hot and I’m not being completely facetious; I actually do love them.
Seriously I have a mad affection for Captain Jack Sparrow and well, that guy who portrays him, Depp. Honestly, though, the mag did, as Mr. Heritage says, sold out for the freaking money! WHO should have won most sexiest man alive???
And as you noted, no, it’s not you Stu. ;-)