What is the one thing The Apprentice has taught us? That’s right, that emotion has no place in the business environment.
And that’s probably why Joan Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice last night – thanks to all the plastic surgery she’s had, the only emotion she can ever properly display is a kind of constant resigned shock. But let’s stick to the point here – Joan Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice last night.
So congratulations, Joan Rivers – you’re now officially as good as Piers Morgan. Please celebrate this fact in the appropriate way, by which we mean either sobbing relentlessly or haplessly attempting suicide.
We get the feeling that this season of the British Apprentice has already peaked – especially now that the self-satisfied bellend with the voice like The Futureheads has been fired – but even if it hadn’t peaked, it would still have some way to go to top the heady heights of last night’s live three-hour Celebrity Apprentice finale in America.
Yes, you read that right. Three hours. Three full hours of watching Donald Trump‘s contorted pink face bellow and puff in a series of ever-more disturbing ways beneath that ridiculous orange pube-bale that he tries to pass off as a haircut.
And live, too, so anything could happen, so long as by ‘anything’ you mean ‘developing deep-vein thrombosis in your arse while praying that the sleeping pills you desperately shovelled into your face at the midway point hurry up and kick in’.
Anyway, the eventual winner of Celebrity Apprentice was Joan Rivers. If anything, winning Celebrity Apprentice was Joan River’s reward for utilising her impressively diverse arsenal of business tactics throughout the show, from hardline straight-talking to fiery diva fits to intimidating would-be customers with her terrifying shiny frightmask of a face. BuddyTV reports on the Celebrity Apprentice finale, which saw Joan Rivers pitted against poker player Annie Duke:
The finale challenge–which had the remaining two contenders raise money by selling Cirque du Soleil tickets and providing a pre-show VIP party–saw Annie way ahead in earnings than Joan. While Annie also won props for integrating her charity well with the challenge, Joan took home points for attracting bigger celebrities and integrating another sponsor, Kodak, into the fore better.
So whether Joan Rivers deserved to win Celebrity Apprentice is still up for contention, but you still have to hand it to her for the tenacity she showed by beating all those other people we’ve never heard of. Her success is proof that 75-year-old women can still succeed in this world, but only so long as they’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on having a number of age-defying surgical procedures on their faces to a varying degree of success and are especially bitter about everything.
But what did Joan Rivers win? This was Celebrity Apprentice, remember, so the prize wasn’t going to be a job with Donald Trump. Instead, Joan Rivers won some money for a charity and, if there’s any justice in the world, a bout of Trump-sex so overwhelmingly nightmarish that your eyes would fall out if you even gave it any serious thought.