That’s why Donald Trump is wheeling out another season of Celebrity Apprentice. And, boy, are there some names this year. None of them are famous, you understand, but they do have names.
Apparently the media were informed about the Celebrity Apprentice contestants back in October, but were sworn to secrecy until now. Presumably this was because they needed three and a half months to Google the contestants to see who any of them actually were.
While the British version of The Apprentice is holding up surprisingly well – largely because of its elegance and determination to stick to a winning formula – Donald Trump’s original Apprentice has been on life support for longer than we can remember.
And that’s probably because there are so many different versions of it. The Apprentice, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, the bewilderingly thought-out tent-dwelling The Apprentice: LA and the soon-to-be-aired The Apprentice: Glovepuppets, Domestic Pets & Industrial Machinery Edition.
And then there’s Celebrity Apprentice, the show where nobody becomes an apprentice and there aren’t any celebrities. Last year saw the debut of Celebrity Apprentice, a nailbiter of a show which was ultimately won by… oh, who cares who won? It’s not like anybody actually watched the bloody thing, is it?
However, resigned to the fact that the only thing that can stop Donald Trump turfing over Scotland, constructing the world’s most eye-bleedingly tasteless bar in the middle of it and reopening it as an executive golf course for wankers is to let him jab his stumpy little fingers at a bunch of people who might have been slightly famous about 20 years ago, NBC has decided to bring back Celebrity Apprentice for a second season.
The new season of Celebrity Apprentice starts in March, but that’s not what you want to know, is it? You want to know who’ll be taking part. So, just for you, here’s the full list of the 16 new Celebrity Apprentice contestants:
Clint Black: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.
Andrew Dice Clay: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.
Annie Duke: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.
Tom Green: FAMOUS FOR – wanking off a horse.
Natalie Gulbis: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.
Scott Hamilton: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.
Jesse James: FAMOUS FOR – we think Cher might have sung a song about him once.
Claudia Jordan: FAMOUS FOR – being a box-monkey on Deal Or No Deal, which essentially makes her the American version of this turd.
Khloe Kardashian: FAMOUS FOR – being the sister of a woman who had it off with a man on the internet.
Brian McKnight: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.
Joan Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – swearing on live TV.
Melissa Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – being the only woman on Earth to look several decades older than her own mother.
Brande Roderick: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.
Dennis Rodman: FAMOUS FOR – being the most unresponsive person to ever appear on a reality TV show.
Herschel Walker: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.
Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins: FAMOUS FOR – being half of the members of TLC who aren’t dead.
There. You don’t even have to watch it now. Thank us later.