JK Rowling has captured the imagination of the young, and every now and again she puts cigarettes out on its arm until it tells her how to get richer.
This makes JK Rowling the most uniquely qualified person on the face of the earth to speak at Harvard University’s spring commencement yesterday. For only JK Rowling can fill those students’ young hearts with the hope that they too can one day rip off the Narnia books and make a sodding fortune out of it.
In her spring commencement speech, JK Rowling told the Harvard students not to fear failure, that they should never let go of their imagination and that real strength of character comes through adversity – proof that if her money ever runs out, JK Rowling has a lucrative future writing inserts for those horrible aspirational greetings cards that only creepy friendless wimps buy.
You know what the most insufferable invention of all time is? Spring commencement, that’s what. A ghastly self-congratulatory aren’t-we-great parade of ‘cherish the moment and be all you can be’ oversincerity that people apparently manage to sit through without vomiting, spring commencement is essentially the last shove that university students get before they forge long-lasting careers for themselves as the sad-eyed people who stand in town holding signs for Subway sandwiches in the rain. It’s dreadful.
But it’s not entirely worthless, because occasionally famous people get to dust off their Big Book Of Mawkish Catch-All Sentiments and indirectly explain exactly how rich and successful they are to the outgoing students. This year at Harvard, it was Harry Potter creator JK Rowling’s turn to do exactly that.
And JK Rowling really had her work cut out for her, because she knew only too well that the sheer scale of deprivation among Harvard students has rendered them completely hopeless – several of them won’t be given flashy-sounding but meaningless vice president jobs in their fathers’ corporations for up to 18 months, and it breaks our heart to report that a handful of them don’t even own yachts yet.
So yesterday in her spring commencement speech, JK Rowling dug deep and basically went through the lyrics of The Greatest Love Of All, changing all the words with a thesaurus to make it sound cleverer. The Associated Press reports:
“We do not need magic to transform our world,” she said. “We carry all the power we need inside ourselves already; we have the power to imagine better.” Imagination gives one the ability to empathize with others, she said. “Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation,” Rowling said. “In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity; it is the power that enables us to empathize with humans whose experiences we have never shared.”
“But don’t your imagination to write children’s book about wizards,” JK Rowling added, “because that’s my turf and I’ll sue your bollocks off if any of you little fuckers try it.”
Honestly, those Harvard students get it all handed to them on a plate. In the space of one year they’ve had talks by both Paris Hilton and JK Rowling – and the knowledge gained by those two speakers means that they’re now perfectly primed to grow up and become the next generation of global leaders.
Well, that or they’ll suck a bunch of men off and then make a rubbish-sounding theme park about it. One or the other.
Andrew says
JK Rowling is the single most awesome person in this world. I love her so much. Despite this, I find Hecklerspray’s articles about her the funniest of all.
Mithaearon says
When I look at pictures of JK Rowling I just want to punch her.
David Bryden says
J.K. Rowling talks crap. The proof:
>> “Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity
>> to envision that which is not”
You’ll find plenty of clips of animals making and using tools, or figuring their way through a new maze. Which requires them to “envision that which is not”.
gir says
DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT INSPIRATIONAL THINGS PEOPLE SAY IN COMMENCEMENT SPEECHES MIGHT NOT HOLD UP UNDER SCIENTIFIC SCRUTINY? HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
David Bryden says
Sorry if I spoiled the books for you.
SevenOfDiamonds says
It’s really not wise to make comments about the Lexicon issue when you have no idea what you’re talking about. JK Rowling does not “sue the pants” off everyone who writes about her work. She has allowed hundreds of companion books to be published. If you don’t understand how the Lexicon is different, then you haven’t done enough research to comment on it.
toyboy tramp says
She’s also suing the guys behind the The London Star Map, a celebrity map of London that has revealed where she lives, in case you want to pop round and punch/praise her, which is why she’s suing I guess, fear of retribution!
gir says
Really, SevenOfDiamonds, if you’re going to post comments like that on hecklerspray, you haven’t read it enough to comment on it, and that’s very unwise. Probably because some sort of internet sickness will befall you and you’ll start acting like some sort of overly arrogant cunt. If you don’t understand that, then I suggest you pay attention.
J Bollocks says
“Mithaearon Says:
When I look at JK Rowling I just want to punch her”
That’s a fairly mild reaction M. When I see a picture of JKRowling I punch the nearest person. Then I repeatedly kick them… Around here my reaction is seen as a bit soft.
Karen says
Bitter are we?
Mary Ann says
Stuart Heritage – next time, please write about something you are competent at. You obviously know nothing about the Harry Potter books, nothing about the Narnia books and nothing about the law suits she has had to persue. You’d cut a much better figure if you clapped your trap tightly shut. Jealousy will get you nowhere after all.
euclid says
Why do morons ALWAYS invoke jealousy?
TimR says
Have to say since stumbling across this blog a few minutes ago that it contains some of the most ridiculous bollox I have ever read. I’m away to wash my eyes out now.
David Bryden says
>> “some of the most ridiculous bollox I have ever read”
As opposed to… SERIOUS bollox?
Have you seen any SERIOUS bollox lately? Or ever?
Come on now, drop your pants and take a dispassionate look. Can that thing ever look serious? Imagine it on TV as a newsreader. Does it look serious to you?