Paris Hilton is no stranger to prizes – in her life she's won everything from the Most Pointless Wonky-Eyed Skinbag award to a statuette for Best Internet Blowjob (Wonky-Eyes Class).
But now Paris Hilton gets to add an award to that list that actually exists – yesterday Paris was officially crowned as the Harvard Lampoon's Woman Of The Year.
And, really, Paris Hilton winning an award at Harvard sends an undeniably positive message to the women of the world – that they can accomplish anything they put their mind to in life, provided they've got a billionaire grandfather, a month-long jail sentence under their belt and a tendency to suck men off and film it for the internet.
You're right to be jealous of Paris Hilton, you know. How many times have you been asked to pose naked for a range of canned champagne? None. How many hopelessly failed albums have you ever released? None. How many times have you ever urinated in a taxi? Well, OK, now we come to mention it you look like the sort of person who urinates in taxis quite a lot, but you get the idea. Paris Hilton has blown more opportunities than you'll ever have in your entire miserable life.
And now Paris Hilton gets to hang around the sort of rah-rah bowtie-wearing richboy ninnies who simply adore boating on the lake and using the word 'quintessential' in sentences just to prove how clever they are. That's right – Paris Hilton has gone to Harvard.
No, not to study – as far as we know the college hasn't started a PhD in Grainy Shamefaced Internet Sex Tape Production And Distribution – but to receive an award. Last month we reported that Paris Hilton was up for a Harvard prize, but at the time we just thought that it was all a big lie to help promote her rubbish-looking new film The Hottie And The Nottie. However, it looks like the award was genuine because yesterday Paris Hilton went to collect it. The Boston Globe reports:
"Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine standing here," Hilton told a crowd of about 100 students. "It's really exciting and I've had such a great time." "They're honoring me for being in business and my acting," Hilton explained to us. Undergrads brought all sorts of items for the socialite to sign: student IDs, their Blackberrys, Harvard boxer shorts, the syllabus from a freshman sociology class, and Hilton's self-titled CD. Said junior Norman Goode, who got Paris to sign his math project. "I guess that's the quintessential Harvard experience."
Now, we feel we should point out that Paris Hilton didn't win the coveted Harvard Hasty Pudding Woman Of The Year award – that only goes to true megastars like, um, Scarlett Johansson – but instead she received the Harvard Lampoon's Woman Of The Year award. That's very obviously a pisstake prize, although we're not sure if anyone actually bothered to pass the news on to Paris, because we've never seen her shiny cattle face look any happier.
Still, though, Paris Hilton is Harvard's Woman Of The Year, and that's just something we'll have to respect. But if she's the Woman Of The Year then who's the Man Of The Year? We haven't bothered to find out, but we assume it's someone of equal worth, like OJ Simpson or that man three in from the left in the second-to-last Maroon 5 music video. Or something.
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mst3kster says
Where’s Noel Godin when you really need him?!?