You’re probably still trying to get your head around the unholy union that is Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan.
It’s OK, so are we. You know what’d scrub that horrific mental image right out of you mind? The mental image of Jessica Simpson having sex with Tiger Woods. Oh, look, we didn’t say it’d be a better mental image, did we? Stop complaining. Stop it.
But at least it can remain a mental image. According to Jessica Simpson, and despite reports to the contrary, she has never even once had sex with Tiger Woods. So that’s that. If only other female celebrities were that quick to shoot down rumours of sex with Tiger Woods. That’s right Queen Elizabeth II, we’re looking at you.
This might just be us, but does anyone else get the impression that people are now discovering Tiger Woods mistresses by blindfolding themselves and jabbing a pin into a phone book? It’s a lot easier than doing any actual detective work, plus – given the amount of women who Tiger Woods has allegedly done it with – it’s probably got a surprisingly successful rate of return.
Especially when one of the names that comes up is Jessica Simpson. On the surface of it, Jessica Simpson would seem like a perfect fit for Tiger Woods – she’s blonde, she’s got big boobs, her skin is so orange that your retinas would blister if you ever looked directly at it for more than a couple of seconds, she doesn’t seem to have a proper job at the moment – plus Star magazine has been claiming that, in July, Jessica and Tiger apparently flirted heavily and exchanged text messages at a golf tournament, in front of Jessica’s own boyfriend.
Except, according to Jessica, that didn’t happen. Here’s what she wrote on Twitter yesterday:
can’t believe that I’m on the cover of star magazine with Tiger Woods, what a JOKE! “The Shocking Inside Story” is (insert drumroll) A LIE!
And the story’s being denied in a more official capacity, too, as Usmagazine reports:
“No part of this story is true,” the source scoffs. The pal explains that Woods and Simpson indeed attended the same AT&T National Pro-Am golf tournament in Bethesda, Md., where they were photographed with Romo. “They met quickly and took a photo together,” the insider says. “She was only there for a few hours to sing the national anthem.”
Of course, it’s ridiculous to imagine that Jessica Simpson would ever be attracted to Tiger Woods. She’s with Billy Corgan now, after all, so it’s fair to assume that Tiger Woods isn’t nearly bald enough for her liking. Or pale enough. Or weedy enough. Or fangy enough. Plus he probably writes better songs. And he doesn’t look constantly on the verge of death. It’s amazing that any woman would want to sleep with Tiger Woods at all, really.
But still, at least we now have one woman on the face of the planet who conclusively hasn’t slept with Tiger Woods. Next we investigate your mum. We don’t think that one will have such a happy ending.
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shooty* says
“Or pale enough. Or weedy enough. Or fangy enough”
And there goes the Twilight demographic.
eleven says
Joe Simpson strikes again. Having failed to get his daughter a tabloid cover with the Billy Corgan story in the middle of all the Tiger Woods hoopla, Joe figured if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em and scored her a Star cover by leaking this story hinting Jessica could be added to the Tiger mistress count. Do you think Jessica knows her dad is the one keeping her career (barely) alive by selling stories about her to the tabloids?