Jessica Alba has two main talents – picking terrible movies and giving unwatchable performances in them.
And now we can add a third – Jessica Alba is also a genius. No, really, she is. Recently, unbearable gasbag Bill O’Reilly mocked Jessica Alba for saying that Sweden was a neutral wartime country. And now Jessica has hit back at Bill with all sorts of long words she almost certainly doesn’t understand..
Pick sides in this Jessica Alba/ Bill O’Reilly feud if you want. We’ll just pray that they have a fistfight that culminates in them both toppling over a cliff-edge onto some jagged rocks.
If you ever wondered how Bill O’Reilly would fill his time now that he doesn’t have a Republican president to blindly splutter illogical defences for all the time, now you know. In the absence of George Bush, Bill O’Reilly has looked down on the world and – quite rightly, we think – chosen the next subject worthy of his screaming outrage.
And that subject is this: pretty, yet obviously quite dim, actresses who stumble over technicalities of conflicts that took place 40 years before she was born. Phew – we don’t know about you, but we’ve lost count of number of sleepless nights we’ve racked up worrying if Jessica Alba fully understood the neutrality of certain European countries during World War II. But Bill O’Reilly’s on it. Relax, everyone.
This whole kerfuffle started when Jessica Alba told a reporter that Bill O’Reilly was an ‘a-hole’ and then started banging on about he should “be neutral… be Sweden.” Which, in turn, gave Bill O’Reilly the perfect opportunity to mock Jessica Alba for saying Sweden when she obviously meant Switzerland.
Well, Jessica Alba isn’t going to take this lying down. And that’s why she’s jumped on her computer, utilised the Microsoft Word Synonyms tool far more than is natural or healthy, and written a big long lot of self-justification. Look:
I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country’s history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O’Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people…it’s so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to.
Bill O’Reilly, you really are a massive dick. Look at what you’ve done. Everyone used to know what they got with Jessica Alba – pretty girl, grossly impractical motherhood ideals, a fierce dedication to the art of appearing almost but not quite completely naked in her terrible movies – but now you’ve made her feel the need to assert her intelligence on all of us. Thanks a lot Bill, you gigantic wanker.
You know what this means? It means that Jessica Alba is going to start appearing in piss-weak indie films just because the word ‘Darfur’ crops in in the first two pages of the script. It means that interviews with Jessica Alba are going to be even more infuriatingly vapid than usual because she’ll spend 45 seconds trying to think of a long word when a short one would have done the exact same job. It means, Bill O’Reilly, that you’ve turned this…
Into this…
Yeah, nice one Bill. You utter, utter bellend. Now neither of you have come out of this one with your dignity intact. We only hope you’re happy.
Seriously, try this crap with Megan Fox and we’ll cut your twatting balls off.
magnetite says
Superb. This, folks, is why I keep coming back to Hecklerspray – in defiance of several injunctions and despite the fact that I have to wear an electronic tag-cum-boltgun on my forehead to prevent me from working my ticket here too much.
Which reminds me of a long-winded, 4000 word anecdote that I really out to tell-
BANG!
Durrrrrr…
CatB says
Rest assured, even if she does feel the need to assert her intelligence she was wrong.
Even though she lucked out and said Sweden, a country that happens to be neutral, the expression is “be Switzerland.” It was a popular expression during the war. Plus, Switzerland is a country synonymous with neutrality.
She meant to say Switzerland, but she got lucky that Sweden is also neutral.
Oh, and another sign of her “intelligence.” That report she was brow beating was trying to remain impartial or neutral, if you will. However, she was trying to get him to reveal a partiality for Obama by telling him to be neutral.
Beth says
Shame on O’Reilly! You’re not supposed to make fun of the special kids!
toofunny says
must be the role she played in machete, got her thinking she’s smart!
stick to the half naked shit com jessica.