Think for a minute: What is the thing you want most in all the world?
If your answer wasn't Jeff Goldblum, then you are in the minority, freak. Well, you're in the minority if you're in the Eastern Bloc anyway. Over there the mere mention of his name is enough to make hearts flutter and perspiration gather on necks and nethers.
You should all know that the Bloc's Jeff Goldblum-mania isn't for his acting ability per se, but because hawk-nosed men are a delicacy in many places where communism died. Seriously, he would cost like 15 rubles per pound.
But Lenin's theological playground isn't the only place with a serious Jeff Goldblum craving – America has it too. Some lady, for instance, has taken it upon herself to show up at Goldblum's house like 50 times in the past three months – and it wasn't to talk about Independence Day plot-holes!
Jeff Goldblum is a simple man. All it takes to keep him happy is a spaceship to smoke cigars in, a baby T-rex to drive around in a convertible, and the constant threat of maybe throwing up insect food and not realising it's disgusting to us humans. But a stalker, you may have noticed, was not mentioned in the above sentences.
Mentioned or not – Jeff's got one. He can freely hang out with Colin Farrell and John Cusack without ever having to worry about conversation drying up. Jeff Goldblum was recently awarded a restraining order against one Linda Ransom – a lady with a fat sounding name. She is said to have once approached Goldblum's residence saying she was:
"a special agent who works for the government."
Through the medium of court-house documents, Jeff Goldblum had this to say about the fraudulent government agent:
"I do not personally know and am not personally acquainted with Linda Ransom, yet, she has shown up unannounced and uninvited at my home 20 times within the past month and over 50 times within the past three months. She has also sent harassing and threatening letters, stalked me at various locations, physically attacked my employee and accosted me."
Ransom now finds herself legally obligated to stay at least one leg's distance from Goldblum, but squeezing him with her thighs, the judge said, "doth not count as close". Judges say 'doth', right?
Really the woman must stay at least 100 yards away from the movie star, and will likely never see the inside of his shoe closet again. We've heard that Jeff Goldblum is desperately trying to get Joel & Benji Madden on the restraining order with him, so the lady can stay away from them too. Hang on – we think we just crossed stalker stories. We seem to have Hilary Duff on the brain.
It's her gum commercials what sold us.
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Amy says
Even I know not to mess with Goldblum. Look at how he totally snapped that man’s arm off in The Fly, that’s not a desirable trait in a stalkee at all