An open letter from hecklerspray to God:
Dear Lord,
We've never really believed in you. We're sorry. Nothing personal.
It's just that you didn't exactly make it easy, did you? We mean… look at all the suffering that goes on in the world. Look at the horrific extent of man's eternal inhumanity to man. Look at the dismal and depressing things that happen on this spinning globe of ours every single day.
But now? Now you've proven yourself. And in a pretty fantastic way, too.
Let's face it – you could have done something that everyone was expecting, like parting the clouds to poke through your big beardy face and demanding an end to all wars. Or maybe granting everyone the gift of eternal life. Or maybe just making people be that extra-bit nice to each other.
Oh no. You've gone and done something even better.
You're made Jay Kay from Jamiroquai stop making music.
Oh, Lord. Thank you so much. Blessed are ye. No longer will we have to put up with turgid, third-rate Stevie-Wonder-tribute band horseshit spewing from commercial radio every summer. No longer will red carpet ceremonies be sullied by a shambling self-important twat mumbling on about how many 'wicked cars' he's collected, and how many 'top birds' he's stuck his pork tiddler into.
Thank you, God. Thank you so very, very, very much.
We are now your humble servants.
Wait – let's amend that. We're your humble servants unless you do that sneaky thing of climbing into our dreams at night and insisting that we go and kill next door's dog.
Because that was just a mess.
Yours Faithfully (geddit?),
Team 'Spray
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Kippertron says
Oh thank fuck for that. I got the feeling that Jay Kay hated his fans, and I guess this is proof
Dan says
What cracks me up is he’s almost apologising to everyone for stopping.
‘Im so sorry everyone but there will be no more music from me, plus dont be sad. I understand if your mad at me but please, just go and buy my greatest hits album and try to continue with your lives’.
Thanks Jay, im sure we’ll manage.
P.S. how does he sweat so much? seriously, he’s like Chris Moyles’ conservatory, drippin.
Schmoo says
…and of course he has to make a fuss about it, he can’t just fuck off quietly. The word ‘twat’ was just made for him.
Danny says
WTF!!….If you really mean it, you’re very wrong and obviously don’t even know the band, they are awesome!! They have made great music, and such fantastic songs. Maybe Jay Kay is not the best person in the world, but his music and his band are truly amazing.
A 15 year old black kid USA;VA says
I agree with Danny. You dont have to criticize his “bands’ ” great music. I love their music, and I have never had the pleasure of meeting him in person, or even go to
one of his concerts, but, whatever you do, please dont criticize their music because the lead singer is possibly(remember “I’ve” never met him) an asshole. Besides,
you can never know what alot of money can do to someone. They are my current favorite band, and i am deeply disappointed in JK. He would probably still be on tour
If he would’ve stopped smoking so much(so i’ve heard).
Man of God says
Dear C J Davies,
I dont know JK, but I know Jamiroquai, and they are amazing. So u can stop dissin’ JAMIROQUAI, a’ight? And one more thing- Jesus loves you. No joke. Get saved. Live holy.^^
PS Dont go using the lord’s name in vain. It’s not funny. [I repeat, god is no joke.]
Gilbert Wham says
You, sir, are mental.
C J Davies says
You, Gilbert, are correct
Scott says
Are you kidding me?? Jamiroquai is the shittt. One of the best funk disco bands out there. jay Kay awesome, little bit of a twat but the man made 70+ million from nothing but his music, I’d be a little self righteous as well
Joshua says
What a fuckin twats, slamming probably the best band and lead singer of the 90s.
Jay is not a copy of Stevie Wonder, never was, and you author either:
a) Don
Albert says
Jamiroquai is probably the best acid jazz-funk band ever. All of you dont know shit about music, so as joshua just said: go listen to that comercial-factory made bunch of posers trying to make money for nothing…o and go fuck your selves because you clearly dont deserve to give an opinion about real music. And please listen to the first 3 albums of jamiroquai before making any stupid coments, if you dont like them, then you dont know how to appreciate great music with lyrics that tell the true story about this fucked up society.
a reader says
Jamiroquai is a third-rate Stevie Wonder tribute band? You probably haven’t heard the music of Stevie and JMQ! I can’t say JMQ is the best band in the world, but they are probably way better musicians than you do. Just listen to Stuart Zender’s bass lines and your mind will be blown. Try to play as half as good as the musicians in the band. Just try it! Never mind, I know you only enjoy Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber, fine.
A 70s Jazz-Funkateer says
Staurt who!!? Those are not his basslines, they like 95% of Jamiroquai tunes are ripped, Stolen or rearanged 70s funk. Go take a listen to Earth Wind and Fire, Chic, Shalamar, Kool and the Gang, Skyy, Roy Ayres, Herbie Hancock and the likes. If you want real Bassists listen to Larry Graham, Bootsy Collins, Marcus miller, Louis from The Brothers Johnson, Cameo/Mantra, Slave, Aurra and others…. too many to mention. Zender couldnt even hold a candle to mark king of level42 let alone those origional funk giants. Jamiroquai were a tribute band, they copied and cherrypicked the Funk grooves of yesteryear. They created zero ask any older Jazzfunkateer. like me.
A 70s Jazz-Funkateer says
…..Having said all that i wonder what the the writer/s of the article would call music. Perhaps you could tell us what soul-less screeching third rate Rock / Pop ‘music’ you would put up against the sophisticated genius of Jazz Funk, be it from the 70s or 90s. Jamiroquai certainly plagurised the Funk but at least the product was of good quality. What do you call music then?. Who would you put up against the genius of say Quincy Jones and Rod Temperton, Stevie Wonder or Earth Wind and Fire?. Johnny Rotten?