Jay Kay To Quit Making Awful Music
Then buzz it up
March 1st, 2007 at 10:45 by C J Davies
An open letter from hecklerspray to God:
Dear Lord,
We've never really believed in you. We're sorry. Nothing personal.
It's just that you didn't exactly make it easy, did you? We mean… look at all the suffering that goes on in the world. Look at the horrific extent of man's eternal inhumanity to man. Look at the dismal and depressing things that happen on this spinning globe of ours every single day.
But now? Now you've proven yourself. And in a pretty fantastic way, too.
Let's face it - you could have done something that everyone was expecting, like parting the clouds to poke through your big beardy face and demanding an end to all wars. Or maybe granting everyone the gift of eternal life. Or maybe just making people be that extra-bit nice to each other.
Oh no. You've gone and done something even better.
You're made Jay Kay from Jamiroquai stop making music.
Oh, Lord. Thank you so much. Blessed are ye. No longer will we have to put up with turgid, third-rate Stevie-Wonder-tribute band horseshit spewing from commercial radio every summer. No longer will red carpet ceremonies be sullied by a shambling self-important twat mumbling on about how many 'wicked cars' he's collected, and how many 'top birds' he's stuck his pork tiddler into.
Thank you, God. Thank you so very, very, very much.
We are now your humble servants.
Wait - let's amend that. We're your humble servants unless you do that sneaky thing of climbing into our dreams at night and insisting that we go and kill next door's dog.
Because that was just a mess.
Yours Faithfully (geddit?),
Team 'Spray
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March 1st, 2007 at 10:57 am
Oh thank fuck for that. I got the feeling that Jay Kay hated his fans, and I guess this is proof
March 1st, 2007 at 11:20 am
What cracks me up is he’s almost apologising to everyone for stopping.
‘Im so sorry everyone but there will be no more music from me, plus dont be sad. I understand if your mad at me but please, just go and buy my greatest hits album and try to continue with your lives’.
Thanks Jay, im sure we’ll manage.
P.S. how does he sweat so much? seriously, he’s like Chris Moyles’ conservatory, drippin.
March 1st, 2007 at 12:12 pm
…and of course he has to make a fuss about it, he can’t just fuck off quietly. The word ‘twat’ was just made for him.
March 1st, 2007 at 2:45 pm
WTF!!….If you really mean it, you’re very wrong and obviously don’t even know the band, they are awesome!! They have made great music, and such fantastic songs. Maybe Jay Kay is not the best person in the world, but his music and his band are truly amazing.
March 1st, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I agree with Danny. You dont have to criticize his “bands’ ” great music. I love their music, and I have never had the pleasure of meeting him in person, or even go to
one of his concerts, but, whatever you do, please dont criticize their music because the lead singer is possibly(remember “I’ve” never met him) an asshole. Besides,
you can never know what alot of money can do to someone. They are my current favorite band, and i am deeply disappointed in JK. He would probably still be on tour
If he would’ve stopped smoking so much(so i’ve heard).
March 1st, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Dear C J Davies,
I dont know JK, but I know Jamiroquai, and they are amazing. So u can stop dissin’ JAMIROQUAI, a’ight? And one more thing- Jesus loves you. No joke. Get saved. Live holy.^^
PS Dont go using the lord’s name in vain. It’s not funny. [I repeat, god is no joke.]
March 1st, 2007 at 10:48 pm
You, sir, are mental.
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:14 am
You, Gilbert, are correct
November 18th, 2008 at 1:56 am
Are you kidding me?? Jamiroquai is the shittt. One of the best funk disco bands out there. jay Kay awesome, little bit of a twat but the man made 70+ million from nothing but his music, I’d be a little self righteous as well