We’ve got something much more important to tell you, something that will cause the world’s population to sigh in unison.
It’s James Blunt. He might write all sorts of songs that get used in chick flicks, love albums and as a weapon to torture terror suspects, but this could soon stop. You see, James Blunt has promised to sew his mouth shut for the right amount of money. Or never step foot in a recording studio again, at least.
We’re usually quite reluctant to back any sort of fundraiser, but this one is too good to ignore. So pull the cushions from the sofa and hunt for all those fluffy two pence pieces. As he’s come to realise, the general music appreciating public don’t take that kindly to the songs of James Blunt. So he’s prepared to reach a compromise with us all. Speaking to Uncut magazine, he said:
“If someone is prepared to pay me enough, I’ll stop.”
Buts what’s the catch? Well, from what we can tell, he won’t settle for the £2.36 that was rustled up between the various hecklerspray writers. You know he’ll be a complete twat and demand millions in order to stop making more records that contain the words “love” “dove”, “forever”, “kiss”, “danger”, “octopus” “cuddle” and “chat.”
There are always plenty of fundraisers for various causes. If we need to feed the world again, Bono is quick to step in. When it comes to stopping the UK reaching a decent temperature, you can rely on Madonna to wiggle her arse on stage for a bit and tell us we’re all shafting the planet by leaving the kitchen light on all day.
If only these people would get involved and help to raise some money for a really good cause – to ban James Blunt forever. We’re sure our buddy Lee Ryan would love to do a gig for us. And we know he wouldn’t con you by miming at our first annual ‘James Blunt The Cunt Aid’. See, we can even write songs that rhyme like him!
If that falls through, though, we know we could always rely on our darling readers to donate a couple of quid. After supplying you with thousands of badly-spelt and grammatically-incorrect stories, we’re sure you’ll repay us with a charitable gift to a worthy cause. Not that we’re forcing you or anything, but you’ll only have yourself to blame if you continue to see a weepy man continue to make music that is no better then the local SuperBrewed-up busker at a bus stop.
Blunt also appears to be going a bit mental, and has also taken an unprovoked swipe at cake. What’s cake ever done to him or anyone? It’s, sweet, sticky and the reason why we can’t walk very far without wheezing heavily. Seemingly pissed off with the fact that people find him annoying, Blunt said:
“If someone puts some chocolate cake in front of you and you don’t like it, but there’s some cheesecake to the right, would you start screaming at the chef? Just eat the cheesecake without calling the chef the Antichrist.”
What? Does he mean Satan is actually made up of yummy icing, a calorie-laden body and not a fiery hot centre? Umm, even our minds aren’t warped enough to work that one out. Answers in the comment box below please.
Mr Blunt, if you name your price we will attempt to raise the desired amount to stop you from making music ever again. A dedicated Paypal account will be set up for people to donate to. A deal is a deal after all. If not, we’ll, er… get our PR people to send you cake and make you cry.