Hey Gender Nonspecific Weirdos, Lindsay Lohan’s Single!

Lindsay Lohan, Sam Ronson, Lindsay Lohan SplitYou’ve done a lot of stupid things in the past, Lindsay Lohan – *coughHerbiecough* – but this takes the cake.

Lindsay Lohan has split with Sam Ronson. And it’s meant that Sam Ronson had to change the locks to her apartment, and that Lindsay Lohan has spent most of her time thumping out all kinds of illegible fury on her Twitter page. But why so stupid?

Because it’s Easter, and Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are supposed to mark all major holidays with a public brawl. We were looking forward to that brawl, Lindsay Lohan. You won’t be forgiven in a hurry.

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson shared the love that dare not speak its name. True, the main reason that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson’s love dare not speak its name is because if it did then Lindsay and Sam would start punching each other in public, then Lindsay Lohan’s dad would write a blog telling everyone that he hated Sam Ronson, then Lindsay and Sam would both blog furious retaliations and Lindsay Lohan’s mother would make a tedious reality show about it all – but the point still holds firm.

Anyway, it’s not like any of us should worry about it any more, because Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have taken the train to splitsville, upsetting approximately nobody in the process.

Nobody can really say for sure why Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson split up – some say it’s because Sam cheated on Lindsay, some say it’s because Lindsay cheated on Sam, some think that it’s because both Lindsay and Sam came to a mutual understanding that they were both pretty dreadful human beings and split up for the benefit of mankind – but whatever the reason, the aftermath sure was amusing. The New York Daily News reports:

A locksmith was spotted changing the front door bolts at Ronson’s house on Saturday… Though Ronson, did not retaliate on her own Twitter page, Lohan continued to address comments to her former flame writing, “look, i’m doing this publicly because u & ur friends call[ed] people mag … so – you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you.”

As we’ve said, the split is a little bit disappointing – following the New Year’s fight and the Valentine’s Day fight, we were expecting a four-day punching extravaganza between Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson to take place in the middle of Times Square replete with backing dancers and fireworks and the musical stylings of Lionel Richie to mark the Easter weekend – but is it a good or a bad thing?

Well, obviously the relationship was getting a little bit destructive towards the end, so in that respect it’s good that it’s over. But it also means that Lindsay Lohan no longer has a girlfriend to listlessly trail around after night after night, so how is she going to spend her time now? Making films? Don’t be silly. Getting naked again? But she’s already done that.

No, we need to hire a transitional decoy who Lindsay Lohan can hang around with until she’s over the split. Someone who looks identical to Sam Ronson. Does anyone have the number of this beauty?

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  1. Diggy Zazz says

    Lindsay has a full, ripe bosom, and will have no troulbe finding another partner.