Oh look, this was bound to happen at some point, so just go with it – someone’s writing a book about Tiger Woods.
But not just any book. It can’t be a seedy tell-all book about what Tiger Woods is like at sex, for instance, because if everyone who had sex with Tiger Woods wrote one of those then we’d end up living in a world with no trees and vomit-related injuries as the number one global cause of death.
No. This new book, written by a Playboy model, claims that Tiger Woods ‘had sexual relations with other men’. There’s absolutely no proof of this claim whatsoever, of course – but still, a spurious-sounding cash-in book about Tiger Woods’ bisexuality written by a moronic-looking titty model would still probably be a better read than Twilight.
Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods whose name is a combination of a wild animal and a euphemism for penile erection, and who could recently be seen on the front cover of Vanity Fair lifting weights without a top on? Gay? That’s preposterous!”
And we’d be inclined to agree. Tiger Woods sleeping with several women is easy to understand – after all, he’s rich and famous and powerful, which are all potent weapons when it comes to female seduction – but men? That’s harder to fathom. Men just seem too rational for any of that – a man wouldn’t be sleeping with a powerful billionaire athlete, he’d be sleeping with a funny-looking golfer who’d probably try to sell him a Gillette Fusion five-blade razor with special formulated lubrication strip the second he woke up. It just wouldn’t be worth the fuss.
However, try telling that to Playboy model and alleged Tiger Woods mistress Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, who is set to claim that she witnessed Tiger having sexual relations with other men in a new tell-all book. RadarOnline reports:
RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively that Loredana has claimed she saw Tiger having sexual relationships with other men. That shocking twist is something no other mistress has claimed and there has been no proof. But Loredana recently attempted to sell her story for $1 million and graphically described group sex that included incidents of Tiger with other men.
A compelling argument, huh? After all, if you can’t trust an opportunistic, money-hungry, orange-coloured European woman who earns a living by taking her clothes off for photos that people will masturbate to, then who can you trust? Obviously Loredana’s allegations are all completely unproven and, if we didn’t know any better, we’d guess that they could all be part of a stunt to scare Tiger Woods into giving up some of his cash. But what do we know?
Still, this does mean that there might soon be books out about Tiger Woods sleeping with women and Tiger Woods sleeping with men. Unscrupulous would-be authors, your choices of making money off the back off this mess now rest firmly on the slim possibility that Tiger Woods once had it away with a compost heap or something. Get to work.