It’s almost impossible to fathom the amount of suffering that this week’s Haitian earthquake has caused.
Tens of thousands dead. A death toll that could reach 100,000. Three million in need of emergency aid. It’s heartbreaking. But, hey, at least right-thinking televangelist Pat Robertson knows why the earthquake happened. It wasn’t because of a sudden displacement of rock along a fault 10km below Haiti like you think, though – it was because the Haitians had it coming.
No, really. Pat Robertson used a television show to explain that, once upon a time, the people of Haiti signed a pact with the devil to free them of their French oppressors, and the earthquake is just the devil getting his own back. So that’s settled. Hey, maybe we can blame the devil for Pat Robertson being such a thoughtless, mean-spirited, snake oil-selling bastard, too. It’d certainly be convenient.
Remember the Chinese earthquake of 2008? Remember, specifically, Sharon Stone’s reaction to it? She saw all the death and devastation it had caused, and her first thought was “I know, I’ll rush over to the nearest Chinese camera crew and explain that it was probably caused by karma because China won’t free Tibet.” Remember that? What an impossible bellend Sharon Stone is.
Anyway, this is a story along those lines – only it’s about Pat Robertson so it’s worse because a) Pat Robertson has a history of being one of the worst people in the world and b) it’s considerably more difficult to masturbate to a picture of Pat Robertson than it is to masturbate to a picture of Sharon Stone. Though not impossible, we should add.
Yesterday Pat Robertson – who, let’s not forget, said that Hurricane Katrina happened because God doesn’t like abortions, that Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon had a stroke because God doesn’t him and agreed when a guest on a September 13 2001 show blamed 9/11 on gays and feminists – decided to talk about this week’s heartbreaking earthquake in Haiti. Here’s the video, but be warned – at some point in the next couple of minutes, you’re probably going to slap your forehead very, very hard…
That quote again:
“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, you know, Napoleon the Third and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’ True story. And so the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.'”
Yeah, nice work Pat Robertson. Thanks especially for reminding us that it was a true story, as well. Because, you know, until that point it all seemed like an offensive stream of opportunistic, narrow-minded, agenda-setting bullshit. We owe you one, big guy. ‘One’ in this case referring to a tiny barren island situated slap-bang on top of a geological fault for you to spend the rest of your miserable life on, as far away from all other human beings as possible.
If you’d like to help the Haitian relief program, and you can’t wait for us to register our ‘Gosh, the devil really is an awful git sometimes’ charity, you can donate to the Red Cross Haiti Earthquake Appeal here.
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Sunny says
Robertson enforcing the theory held by some (me) evangelical preachers = asshats. Where IS that thunderbolt from the sky when you sorely need one. Check out bolt at :43
Eugene says
Pat Robertson claiming to represent God is a pretty good argument that there is no God. Alternatively, it suggests that the God he represents is pure evil.
Ian Dransfield says
I know I’ll get in trouble with Pat for worshipping false idols/being a big gay, but I do have a massive man-crush on you, Heritage.
mudshark says
Well, there he goes again. How very WASP of him.
Has the right wing christo taliban come to his side yet?
Or are they just remaining silent. I certainly don’t expect them to call him on this. They’ll just remain silent.
But, you know Lush Rimbaugh has had his rim shots too.
I gotta say, this shows robertsons bigotry in a big way.
I suppose he’s just not in touch with the times.
Seeing that he’s saying this supposed deal was struck so long ago.
And all those people are to suffer? Because of something that supposedly happened over 120 years ago? That Pat. He’s a real man of God that guy.