Robert Pattinson might be one of the most famous haircuts in the world right now, but he still can’t find a date.
Don’t get excited. That sentence probably needs a qualifier. Let’s try this: Robert Pattinson still can’t find a date… with anyone who isn’t a witless honking teenage girl with bladder control problems, a rubbish haircut and a frankly dispiriting fixation with terrible films about vampires. So that’s you ruled out, clearly.
Anyway, it’s apparently true. Robert Pattinson says he’s having trouble in the love department. He’s working on it, but first he needs to fix his problems in the haircut, acting range and charisma departments. It’s good to prioritise.
When Twilight came out, a debate raged among fans about whether it was Robert Pattinson who was sexy, or his character Edward Cullen. That debate has long since been sewn up, though – it’s definitely Robert Pattinson who’s the sexy one. Why, just look at the raging success of his non-Twilight work for proof.
There was his Salvador Dali movie Little Ashes, which spent four months at the top of the box office. And How To Be, which won all of the Oscars ever made the day after it was released. And The Summer House, which saw Robert Pattinson walking off with several awards, the Nobel Peace Prize and, an IOU for the British Crown Jewels and a written offer from the UN to become King Of The World Forever, despite it only being 12 minutes long.
Oh, alright. Aside from Twilight, Robert Pattinson still hasn’t set the world on fire with his acting yet. But at least he’s got his pick of the world’s women – or at least the world’s women who are either under the age of 16 and think that wearing black Revlon nail enamel is an appropriate way to express furious rebellion, or over the age of 45 and secretly wish that people could be as friendly as cats. That’s something, right?
Apparently not. Because Robert Pattinson just can’t get a date. He told the Sydney Morning Herald:
“Girls scream out for Edward, not Robert – I still can’t get a date… To be honest, I still don’t really understand what’s going on. I was having lunch down the road. We were in this place for a couple of hours and suddenly there was like 400 people outside on the street. It was just so nuts and it’s like that all the time now.”
OK, well we’re widely known for our wisdom and tact when it comes to dealing with other people’s relationship problems, so let’s help Robert Pattinson out. We can see three main reasons why Robert Pattinson can’t get a date:
1 – He refers to himself in the third person and monopolises every date he goes on with endless self-pitying anecdotes about how hard it is to be famous,
2 – He stinks,
3 – He actually finds it quite easy to get dates, but New Moon is out next month and people who like New Moon are generally too thick to see the old ‘I just haven’t met the right girl yet’ line as the transparent marketing ploy that it very obviously is. Also, in real life, Robert Pattinson probably wouldn’t touch any Twilight fans with a shitty stick for exactly that reason.
Which of these reasons is true? The first or second one, hopefully. In which case we’ve still totally got a chance with him. SQUEEEEE!
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gilbert wham says
Quite possibly your best Twilight post to date. Excellent work.
halo says
Ok, I hate the Twilight books, they suck. Bella is as annoying as being left on hold for an hour to the sounds of two ballons being rubbed together.
That said, I would love me some R Pattz.
Signed,
Definetlynotateenagergirlwithbladderandacneproblemsbutgingercan’twinemall
Stuart Heritage says
Thanks. I’m blushing like a schoolgirl.
David Scarborough says
It’s going to be hilarious when he comes out.
Ima Fox says
Such jealousy!! And I know plenty of women in their 20’s and 30’s who think he is a very good actor, loved the books and the movie…they just don’t go out screaming at him. Dreaming of him…yes…..screaming….no. Women love his hair just like when Elvis appeared on the scene, or the Beatles, or James Dean, and you probably are well on your way to bald. Envy is your name.
Jo says
Here, here Ima Fox. I ain’t a teenager by any means, but I actually enjoyed the movie although don’t intend to read the book. I thought the movie quite an interesting new take on vampires. I think you are right about the jealousy Ima!
magnetite says
Here’s a new take on vampires for you. They’re human/vegetable hybrids who have to take in nutrients from blood as they can’t photosynthesise any more. That’s why a stake through the heart works: it reminds them of their tuberous roots.
‘Sparkling’ during the day isn’t a new take, it’s the wishful fantasy of someone who should have taken the teddies from her bed a long time ago.
Wembly Fraggle says
OMG, Ima Fox – you are clearly SOOOO jealous of Stuart Heritage!
I’m the same – everything that I express a dislike or disapproval of or mock humorously in any way is based on jealousy. I am jealous of Jay-Z, Hitler, hoemopathy, the sitcom ‘My Family’, prawn cocktail flavoured crisps, Shania Twain, flip-flops and rose wine.
I am especially envious of aubergines. The lucky, bulbous, vegetabley sods.
JoeMomma says
Isn’t anyone tired of the romanticisim of vampires? Wasn’t there a bunch of people in the 90’s doing live action vamipre roleplaying. I always wondered where you rolled the dice if you did that?
Anyways, really…
Interview with a Vampire (books and movies)
Buffy/Angel (that was ok)
now this Twilight stuff?
Ugh, BORRRRRING!
Even the whole goth/vamp thing is boring. Have you ever actually taken a look at those girls. I’m worried about becoming a heroin addict or catching a disease by just standing close to them.
halo says
I concur David. R Pattz is in the “too hot to be straight” category for sure. That said, though, I will still love some.
One can hope!
halo says
Joe Momma
Global recession fuels the need to escapism. Reality (ha!) TV isn’t it. Since its scripted and hardly reality,
Funny, you mention American TV shows from the late 90’s, created during another recession in the US.
Interview… was written by Ann Rice- wait for it- during the 70’s recession. I think she wrote most of it in a gas line.
Recession = vampires.
Actually, if we did some checking I bet most of the vampire/werewolf movies came out during fiscally hard times. American Werewolf also comes to mind.
JoeMomma says
halo
Thats not a bad observation. I guess thats why there’s a weird cycle of horror movies. Because I remember fo the longest time (1990-1995) it seemed like a lack of horror movies. Then there was a glut of them, then it tapered off again.
I’ve noticed this year has had a TON of horror movies.
Oh man, we’re gonna be banned from Hecklerspray now because we are rasing the collective intelligence. (Minus any spelling errors)
MarJola89 says
I CAN’T GET A DATE TOO :D
KungxFu says
Haha that was pure quality :)