The Teletubbies have proved to be remarkable educators of children around the world over the years; without them, kids wouldn't be able to mispronounce the word 'custard' or call a hoover a 'noo noo' even though it's obviously a sodding hoover.
But if the Polish government are to be believed, the Teletubbies also harbour a ghastly secret lesson – the lesson about how to be gay. The Polish government-appointed children's TV watchdog Ewa Sowinska is asking psychologists to analyse the behaviour of Tinky Winky – the purple Teletubby – because she's concerned that Tinky Winky walking about with a handbag might make him a homosexual, heightening fears that all Teletubbies-watching Polish children will grow up to be gay. In related news, another Polish watchdog has launched an investigation into the possibility of Teletubbies turning all Polish children into fat, field-dwelling monsters who can't enunciate, have television sets surgically implanted into their abdomens and worship giggling God-babies that live in the sun.
Right now, you might have forgotten about the Teletubbies – the four brightly-coloured bumbling creatures who spend their days stumbling around a field hugging each other and watching overlong, slightly unconvincing computer animations about trees – but the people of Poland certainly have not, because they're all freaking out about the possibility that the whole show is nothing more than relentless homosexual propaganda.
The fuss started when Poland's children's TV watchdog Ewa Sowinska noticed that Tinky Winky, the tall purple Teletubby, carries a lady's handbag with him most of the time. Sowinska then started panicking, worried that the sight of a deliberately immature, ariel-headed monster clutching a handbag would instantly turn all Polish children gay and that they may as well broadcast ten-minute clips of two grown men bumming each other in slow motion instead. Or something. The Washington Post reports:
Ewa Sowinska… told a local magazine published on Monday she was concerned the popular BBC children's show promoted homosexuality… She was quoted as saying: "I noticed (Tinky Winky) has a lady's purse, but I didn't realize he's a boy. At first I thought the purse would be a burden for this Teletubby … Later I learned that this may have a homosexual undertone."
Not since Tobago tried to ban Elton John for being gay or Isaiah Washington started hurling gay slurs around willy-nilly has a cultural icon kicked up such a homophobic fuss. This Teletubbies outcry is slightly characteristic of Poland's ultra-conservative approach to homosexuals, where laws are being proposed to sack any teachers thought to be promoting a homosexual lifestyle. Chances are that Poland will now try to redress the balance in favour of heterosexuals by reanimating Jamie And The Magic Torch so that Jamie gets to always carry around a Fleshlight with him (Google it. Actually, don't).
Anyway, isn't it a little late for Poland to be getting worried about Teletubbies, a show that was first broadcast a decade ago and that stopped being made in 2001?
By being so slow to catch onto all the gayness that the Teletubbies apparently practise, Ewa Sowinska has failed to notice all the inherent homosexuality contained within In The Night Garden, the newest show by the creators of Teletubbies. Maybe if Sowinska had cracked down on Tinky Winky's handbag earlier, children now wouldn't be exposed to gruesome sights such as Makka Pakka pushing his Og-Pog down a hill to see Upsy Daisy so they can soap up the underside of the Ninky Nonk while the man who recently played General Pinochet intones gay nonsense like "makka pakka akka wakka mikka makka moo, makka pakka nappa yappa ikka akka ooo/ hum dum agga pang, ing ang ooo/ makka pakka akka wakka mikka makka moo."
Just reading that last sentence back again makes us want to go and teabag a man in the face. That's how gay it is.