Lindsay Lohan is all about unfulfilled promise – that’s why her movie career peaked with the Parent Trap remake.
And then there’s her music. And her lesbianism. Whenever Lindsay Lohan looks like she might have a flair for anything, it always ends in disappointment. And Lindsay Lohan has had enough of this, so she’s decided to cut out the middle man and just be disappointing at something right from the get-go.
So Lindsay Lohan has picked fashion, with her new collection being described as ‘cheesy’ and ‘embarrassing’. Which, incidentally, is exactly how her genitals and breasts are often respectively described.
Right now, Lindsay Lohan’s career is in tatters. Her movies go straight to DVD. Her third album, which she started two years ago, is nowhere to be seen. And her rumoured reality TV show seems to have gone cold.
So if you can’t act, can’t sing and your ambitions to be a TV presenter are consistently thwarted at every turn, where do you turn? Simple: fashion. It worked for Victoria Beckham, after all.
And that’s what Lindsay Lohan has done – she’s teamed up with Spanish fashion designer Estrella Archs and designed a Spring 2010 Ungaro collection, which was debuted during Paris Fashion Week yesterday. And, if we’re being serious for a moment, fashion seems like the perfect outlet for Lindsay Lohan’s creativity.
Well, alright, maybe not her creativity – but she does look about 30 years older than she actually is and her skin’s all leathery and her voice has become unfathomably hoarse and her lips look unnaturally big and she seems like she needs a good night’s sleep and she looks like she smells of stale cigarette cack and profound spiritual emptiness, so she’s halfway to being Donatella Versace anyway. Yeah, fashion’s the perfect fit for Lindsay Lohan.
Or at least fashion would be the perfect fit for Lindsay Lohan if Lindsay Lohan was able to show even a basic level of aptitude for it which, judging by the responses to her new collection, she obviously can’t. WWD reports:
The clothes… looked cheesy and dated, as has often been the case chez Ungaro during the post-Emanuel revolving door of designers. Hot pink, orange and flashy, with an overworked heart motif relentless in its execution, the collection displayed none of the promised younger side Lohan was supposed to deliver… Glitter heart pasties all around, ladies?
If you couldn’t really absorb much of that last paragraph, either because you don’t understand the self-regarding impenetrable fashion-speak or because – as in our case – all the self-regarding impenetrable fashion-speak makes you want to repeatedly punch yourself in your own mouth, then let us translate for you. We think it says that Lindsay Lohan’s clothes aren’t very good because some of them are pink. Or something.
Ha. Pink clothes. That Lindsay Lohan is such an idiot.