This week Jon & Kate Plus 8 featured a You Ask, Kate Answers special. And it felt like a wasted opportunity.
You know what would have been better? You Ask, Jon Emotionally Abuses. It would have been awesome – after being presented with some viewer questions, Jon Gosselin would shriek for 25 minutes about what a victim he is and how it’s all your fault. And then he’d burst into tears and clumsily attempt to kiss the camera with tongues. It would have been AWESOME.
Because Jon Gosselin is quite good at emotional abuse, apparently. His own girlfriend said it. To a TV show. Why won’t any of this stop?
It’d be easy for Jon Gosselin to see Jon & Kate Plus 8 as the worst thing to ever happen in his life. He’d be wrong, obviously – the worst thing is probably either male pattern baldness, his bizarrely premature mid-life crisis, his taste in clothes, the way that people can’t imagine him having sex without screwing up their faces and dry heaving or the fact that he was born without a functioning set of testicles – but it’s up there.
And because of Jon & Kate Plus 8, these last few months have been unbearable for Jon Gosselin. He’s routinely vilified in the media as a self-serving monster, he’s been accused of stealing from his own children, he’s even lost the ability to spell his own name properly. What Jon Gosselin needs right now is a friend. His closest friend in the world. By which we mean Hailey Glassman, the 22-year-old daughter of Kate Gosselin’s plastic surgeon who is unique in her ability to have sex with Jon Gosselin without vomiting everywhere immediately afterwards.
And thank God that Jon Gosselin has Hailey Glassman. The whole world might be against him but, so long as he’s got her then everything might just turn out OK. To Jon Gosselin, Hailey Glassman represents hope. Hope and unconditional love. And for Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin represents… well, let’s allow Hailey to explain that herself:
“He’ll call me and take his anger out on me. He has ‘mantrums.’ I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused. I cry and say, ‘Why are you so mean to me?’… Sometimes he has trouble with the truth, and he will dance and dance around his lies. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. But I still love him… but I dislike him at times.”
It’s adorable, isn’t it? We think we saw a Love Heart with ‘I shouldn’t have to put up with being emotionally abused’ on it once. And, as everybody knows, nothing says romance like dancing and dancing around your lies.
Sure, this will be embarrassing for Jon Gosselin, but he needs to remember that this is just a blip in their relationship. Once all of this has died down they’ll be able to carry of as normal – in that Jon Gosselin will stop being famous, Hailey Glassman will immediately leave him for someone her own age and all these problems will be dwarfed by all the ‘My Father The Monster’ books that Jon’s kids will write as soon as they’re old enough. He’s got nothing to worry about.
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