Like Jesus, Elvis Presley died for our sins. Unlike Jesus, though, Elvis did this by trying to crap out a turd as big as a baby's head, thus allowing someone to steal his gun 30 years after he died.
Yesterday the world of Elvis Presley fandom went as white as an XXXXXXL sequined jumpsuit when it was revealed that someone had snuck into the Elvis After Dark exhibit at Graceland during last week's 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death and stole one of Elvis's prized handguns. However, a Graceland cleaner has found the gun in a toilet and returned it to its rightful home. It's thought that whoever stole Elvis Presley's gun from Graceland did so because they wanted to use it to pay the most fitting tribute to Elvis possible – deep-frying it, covering it in six inches of peanut butter, studding it with Codine and Quaaludes and wolfing it down like a fat little piggy.
Even though he's no longer with us, Elvis Presley is just as big a presence in popular culture as he's always been, although now that he's dead he doesn't get to make so many crappy film these days. But look around; an Elvis Presley compilation album is number one in the charts, commercials for hokey Elvis Presley collectible magazines are shown on TV every three minutes and even the smallest Elvis-related story hits the headlines in a huge story – people go nutty when Uri Gellar buys Elvis's house, or when a dog bites one of Elvis's teddy bears, or when Elvis's cars get put on eBay – so imagine what the outcry was when someone stole Elvis Presley's gun.
Last week was the 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, and it was marked by thousands of Elvis fans taking a pilgrimage to Memphis to visit Elvis's grave, with some fans even deciding that they'd rather die in the sweltering heat mourning the long-dead corpse of a bloated, drug-addled pop singer than continue living normally for even a day. But someone had to go and spoil the party – and that's when Graceland workers discovered that a thief had stolen Elvis Presley's black 9mm Smith & Wesson piston from an exhibit at his home. His gun! That's like stealing Professor Steven Hawkin's funny computerised voice machine or something.
Panic levels were abnormally high in and around Graceland for a while, but then – like Thermuthis discovering baby Moses floating down the Nile in a reed basket – a Graceland worker found Elvis Presley's gun at the bottom of the crapper. Forbes reports:
Travis Brookins turned the gun over to police Monday after the theft was reported by news media. Brookins said he was cleaning portable toilets behind the exhibit hall last Thursday when he found the gun in the muck. Unaware the weapon had been stolen, Brookins took it home and cleaned it. "He called us and said he thinks he had the gun and brought it to us," Memphis police Lt. Jerry Gwyn said. Gwyn said he believes the thief may have accidentally dropped the gun into the toilet. "Of course, whoever dropped it wouldn't go in there," he said.
It's good to see that this story of Elvis Presley's stolen gun has a happy ending after all. It's affected us so deeply that we won't be able to ever hear Love Me Tender again without imagining a redneck up to his shoulder in two-day-old human waste cleaning some shit off a gun. Oh, we're misting up already.
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a concern person says
Graceland never thank Mr. Brookins for finding the gun not even a phone called now thats sick