Elvis. It's been quite a while since he died on the crapper while reading a book about the Shroud of Turin.
Despite the significant amount of time elapsed since Elvis' passing, he's still a lightning rod of controversy. On the one hand you have his fans, the Elvis die-hards who'd like to put his face on every stamp ever, get fat & wear leather, and marry his ugly daughter just because she once swam freely in his left pendulum.
The other side though, it's dark, mean and vengeful. That side is filled with people that despise Elvis and all his wicked hip-shaking ways. They will stop at nothing until every piece of memorabilia celebrating his life and many accomplishments has been wiped from off of Earth's sweet face. Against such people, the king's legacy surely stands no chance.
Did we say people? We meant 'dogs', but singular.
There's a ton of Elvis related crap floating around out there, and tons of people that are perched ready to snatch it up as soon as it hits store shelves. Every thing from socks to bobbleheads – people just want a piece of the dead celebrity.
Imagine then, if you had the chance to own something that Elvis actually owned himself as a child. More specifically, how much would you pay for a teddy bear the big 'E' used to drag to bed, wipe his nose on, or throw out of a tree with a homemade parachute? Did you say: "anything…I'd gladly pay anything for such a prize"?
Well if you did, forget it. A dog ate it. A traitorous doberman pinscher guard dog named Barney recently went on an incredibly expensive mauling-session in Wookey Hole Caves, a store of a sort. Last Tuesday night the four-legged destroyer tore apart a $900,000 collection of bears, and Elvis' childhood bear was just one in the mix. A store manager said regarding the dog:
"He just went berserk. I’ve spoken to the bear’s owner and he is not very pleased at all."
And understandably so. It would seem, though, the dog may have been accidentally enticed. Her partner/human counterpart said:
"Barney has been a model guard dog for more than six years. I still can't believe what happened. Either there was a rogue scent of some kind on Mabel which switched on Barney's deepest instincts, or it could have been jealousy – I was stroking Mabel and saying what a nice little bear she was."
Enticement or not, nobody treats Elvis' useless piece-of-junk crap like that! If you, like us, would like to see justice done and have an un-satiated need to punch and kill, a lynch mob will be forming somewhere along the Thames as soon as we figure out the mechanics behind properly hanging a dog.
Don't worry, it's not a puppy.
Read more:
Hound Dog Rips Apart Elvis's Teddy – ITV
[story by Shawn Lindseth]
magic8ball says
My grandmother was convinced that Elvis was evil. She wouldn’t let my Mum watch him when he was on the Ed Sullivan Show. My Mum, on the other hand, is convinced that Axl Rose is evil … but she’s fine with Elvis.