Watching Tiger Woods try to save his marriage is like watching someone try to bail out the Titanic with a bucket.
That wasn’t our first choice of metaphor, by the way. We were originally going to say that Tiger Woods is like the boy who stuck his thumb in the dyke, but that didn’t seem entirely appropriate. Anyway, now that the number of alleged Tiger Woods cheaty bimbettes has risen to ten, the tipping point has been reached – Tiger’s wife Elin Nordegren has apparently left home.
It just goes to show – sleep with nine rancid professional party girls, shame on your wife; sleep with ten of them, shame on you.
There’s only so much that a woman can take, you know. Discovering that your husband has been cheating on you with six other women is one thing. After all, he’s a billionaire, so you have to balance the emotional pain he’s caused with the luxurious life he’s given you. And he’s a golfer, and you can’t marry a golfer without expecting some kind of dizzying rock n roll sexual athleticism on their part, right?
But discovering that your husband has been cheating on you with ten women, one of whom is a professional pornstar who looks like an inflatable sex doll that’s been stitched together out of botulism and old leather, and that’s a different story. That’s why Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren has upped and left him. The Boston Herald reports:
The distraught wife of Tiger Woods has reportedly moved out of the couple?s Florida manse, as her embattled husband’s alleged tomcatting tally reached 10. Elin Nordegren, 29, yesterday left the Windermere estate she shared with Woods – and where the golf great reportedly bedded waitress Mindy Lawton, 33 – and moved into a nearby home.
According to reports, the new women accused of being seduced by Tiger Woods’ famously debauched Bacchanalian personality are Holly Sampson – a porn star who may recognise from films like The Exotic Time Machine II: Forbidden Encounters, Bright Business Girls Learn Hard Bondage Lessons and OMG, Stop Tickling Me – along with a cocktail waitress from Orlando, someone reported to be a ‘sex-addicted cougar’ and an unnamed ‘sexy British TV presenter’. Our money’s on George Alagiah from the BBC News At Ten for that last one. He’s a fox.
This is unlikely to be the end, though – between yesterday and today the number of alleged Tiger Woods mistresses has risen by about 66%. If this continues at this rate, the number will be up to 16 by tomorrow, and 323 by this time next week. By Christmas, that means that the number of alleged Tiger Woods mistresses will have risen to 1,785,831 and by New Year’s Day it’ll be a staggering 61,526,842.
That means that Tiger Woods will have slept with every man, woman and child in the British Isles. What a dirty bastard. Truly, Tiger Woods is the swine flu of having it off with boring golfers.
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Sunny says
Stu, with your prescient assessment made yesterday;
“It could be more by now. If you